Handprints

Leading up to Harrison's first birthday I became quite emotional. I can't help but be unsure if he is my last baby. Is this my last time celebrating a first birthday? Is this the last time feeding him? When he started crawling, he just changed. He went from baby to not so baby anymore. I've been thinking (maybe a little too much) of getting old and all these days being behind me. I've been thinking that I'll miss these days terribly one day. I wonder if my boys will move away from me. If they will still let me kiss them on their cheeks or squeeze their little chubby legs. I guess they won't have little chubby legs...

What I'm realizing is that time doesn't slow down for anyone or anything. I will never ever ever get a single one of my days back.  So if I don't savour these moments now, they will be gone forever. I won't get to kiss another smooth baby cheek or squeeze their little legs again. Carson's aren't so chubby anymore. Already. 

Not only was it Harrison's first birthday, Carson's 4th is just around the corner. 4!!!! He's going to kindergarten. His last day of preschool has come and gone. I'm going to miss taking him there. He made so many friends and learned so much. Both my babies are growing and changing so fast! 

I'm soaking it all up and truly enjoying my moments with them. I'm letting go a bit more of cleaning and taking them to the park instead. Harrison learned to climb stairs a couple days ago. If I was in my kitchen slaving away, we wouldn't have been there for him to learn and practice. 

Every single day there are handprints all over my dark hardwood floors, oven and stainless steel fridge. My white cupboards have dirt on them and there are toys scattered all over my main floor. I used to wipe them off all the time and care so much about cleaning. I've started to just leave them knowing that soon enough, Harrison will just be walking and not crawling around or standing up on the cupboards or oven. He won't be so messy with his food. I'll miss those handprints one day. 

Life is so wonderful. Being able to really embrace the moment is what I'm doing. I'm really trying to be present for my boys and spend quality time. So many changes are happening with each of them and I don't want to forget a thing. I just want my boys to know how much they've really added to my life and that I cherish them more than anything. My family makes me so full. Nothing I've ever purchased has given me joy the way my family does. I'm so grateful. 

Acceptance

I still remember when we first had Carson after the initial "parent high" wore off I thought:"What did we do?". Our life had dramatically changed in just 11 hours. We became parents. 

I remember always thinking "I want things to be like they were. When are things going to be normal again?". It took me some time and I struggled through many emotions before realizing a simple truth-- nothing was ever going to be the way it was before. We can't go back to the days where we could sleep in and do whatever we wanted. We would not just have free time to just waste sitting at Chapters sipping on $10 Starbucks coffee. Leaving the house was an event, not just a last minute decision anymore.

Stress. Stress. Stress. Adjusting to a new baby was stressful. That took a huge toll on us as a couple as well. The constant competition of "who has it harder". Working full time or being at home with a crying baby stuck to your boobs almost all day and night!

Once I learned to accept my life the way it was and stopped trying to "make things the way they were", everything shifted. I was happier. I was free. I was able to be more present. I let go of control. 

Now, almost 3 1/2 years since becoming a Mother for the first time, I'm still learning acceptance, but this time it's not about being a parent, it's about my body. 

Post-baby body is one thing that people kind of joke about. You get the comments when you're pregnant the first time. Things such as: "It's like an apron." I don't think any women who hasn't had a baby gets that until she sees it for the first time. Horrific. Or "You're eating for two! The weight will just melt right off if you're breastfeeding!" EFFF YOU! Not true for me. I shouldn't have eaten so much (the first time!).

The reality for me (not every woman is the same) is that it takes time. A lot of time. Especially while breastfeeding and not really sleeping. Loosing weight without sleeping more than 3 hours in a row is pretty hard for your body. Same thing with all the crazy hormones that breastfeeding comes with. Super fun.

Thankfully with my second I gained 20 less pounds than with my first, so I'm well ahead of the game at the moment. It still doesn't mean that I love the body I'm in. 

I've been trying very hard to love myself and accept who I am right now in this moment. I've been trying to say I don't care about the loose skin and the fact I can't wear any of my pre-baby clothes. I've been trying really hard to find inner peace within myself. I've been trying to look in the mirror and see the beauty and not the ugly. The thing is, I've been lying to myself. A lot.

I don't like my body. I never will until I get back to where I was. I won't be happy until my boobs are back to being A cups and not E cups. I know this body is temporary. I'm actively trying to change it, but at the exact same time, I'm trying to LOVE it. How can one do this? It feels like I'm fighting with myself.

How can I accept my body for what it is now when I'm also trying to make it into something else? It's an impossible task.

One Mama friend gave me some advice one day and it made so much sense, we need to let it go and know that we're working toward it every day. We're making the right choices to reach our goal. I'm keeping that in the back of my mind every week.

My main motivation is my boys. Both of them. I created them with this body, I'm now nourishing one of them each day with my body. That is enough. That has to be enough. I don't want to miss these days focused on vanity. Yes, I'm always going to thrive to get my body back, but it will come back, just like it did after Carson. I'm healthy, I have a beautiful life. I have it all. Who cares about 15 pounds. 

I accept myself as I am in this moment in time.

"That Mom"

I have a confession, I'm becoming "that Mom". I've either been out on my own at night when the kids are asleep or out during the day with them both and been caught looking a little frumpy.

No shower. No make up. Caught!

Before embarking on my journey as a Mother I always said:"I'm never going to look like that Mom. I'm going to keep up with myself."

Well my friends, the day has come, I've done it, I've started to just not care as much what people think. I can be seen periodically looking like "that Mom".

Let's talk about what "that Mom" means. It's the Mom who didn't shower because she was too busy feeding her baby and fighting with her 3 year old to get dressed. Knowing she only had 2 hours before the next feeding or nap for the baby, she had to just go out without a shower or else she'd just use the entire time showering and then have to breastfeed again and never leave the house.

The Mom that didn't brush her hair. For me, my hair is falling out big time at the moment. Handfuls upon handfuls are just all over the house, the shower, the sink, the bathroom, my clothes, probably in our food. It's crazy. Postpartum hair loss is another one of those things no one really tells you about. So yes, my hair is half gone now so it doesn't look great down or up. I just have to live with it. She also probably didn't brush it because she could hear her 3 year old being way too quiet in the bathroom, walked in and discovered 2 empty tubes of toothpaste! Seriously.. kids are nuts. That's what I get for asking him to brush his own teeth. I later found out that they weren't full, but still... that can't be good for him. At least I buy the fluoride free stuff. 

The Mom who is wearing yoga pants--all the time. So ya, I wear my only 2 pairs of pants that I can fit in most of the time. They're stretchy enough to make me comfy and tight enough to hold in the mummy tummy. I'm sure 85% of women who just had a baby don't want to put on pants with buttons and zippers. Hello muffin top! No thanks. I just don't feel like spending money on clothes to fit this body because I don't plan on it sticking around for long. However, I just need to be comfortable enough to keep up to a busy toddler and lug around a 50 pound car seat at the same time. Bum wiping, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, cooking too, it's all hard work, equally as hard or harder than a workout some days, so why can't I wear workout clothes?

The Mom who isn't even wearing make-up. That's right, if I don't have time to shower, how would I have time to wear make-up? The thing is, I probably should be making the time to wear some because my eyes are just so tired looking these days. I actually have dark circles now. Lack of sleep does some crazy stuff. Sometimes I think it might be leftover mascara from another day, so I try to use more make-up remover and nothing changes. Darn. 

The Mom who has puke on her shirt. Yep. Me. I showed up to nursery school pick-up the other week with fresh puke on my shirt. I just wiped it off with my hand/sleeve and ran out the door. I was already cutting it close on time and didn't want to be late. Of course I changed the baby's clothes. Most people pay more attention to him anyway.. thankfully! haha!

The thing I realized about all of this, which had me laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks and I think my husband was starting to think I was going crazy,  because I was SO tired one evening was, I just don't even care.

I don't care. People can judge, just as I did prior to kids, but now that I'm deep into it all, I know that my appearance on these days is a reflection of me being a great Mom, a Mom who is putting my kids first before myself, a Mom who rolls around on the basement carpet with my son and isn't afraid to be silly, a Mom who kisses my baby so much my lips hurt, a Mom who is passionate about being a Mom. That is all that matters. I'm doing a good job and doing my best to take care of my family. My hair will grow back, my belly will shrink and I will eventually find more time to pamper myself, but right now, I just want to focus on my kids and make sure they are a priority too.

 I should note that I do take time for myself to stay healthy. I have a great supportive husband that almost forces me to go to hot yoga or the gym to find my own balance. I know I need that to continue to be a great Mom, I'm just talking more about the vanity side. I don't look at other Mom's the same way I used to anymore. I see now how easy it can be to get caught up in the days and weeks and months. It's hard to fit it all in and look perfect while doing it all. I also see how much of an achievement it really is to put on make-up and shower before leaving the house with 2 small kids. It's hard!

My boys!

Today my 3 year old son told me: " Your hair is beautiful Mommy." That made my day. He has loved me at 198 pounds, at 138 pounds and many other numbers in between. I am still me. My kids don't need me to wear fancy clothes and make-up. They need me to be their Mom. I'm not saying I don't care what I look like and am just letting myself go. I'm just putting it all into perspective. Instead of worrying about applying make-up before leaving the house, I read books, sing songs, make healthy breakfast together or play imaginative games with my kids. Those are the things that really matter, not what I look like.

I'm proud to be "that Mom"... even the one who forgot to shave her legs! ooops!

Baby H and his Red Face

When Harrison was born he had the cutest softest cheeks ever. Then at about 6 or 7 weeks he developed baby acne. This then turned into red dry patches on his skin. Almost like eczema. At Harrison's 8 week appointment at the doctor, she said to use mineral oil and as long as it wasn't bothering him, it's probably nothing.

Of course, the typical Mother that I am, I first think it's something I must be eating. Blaming myself and thinking maybe I should stop eating dairy or maybe it's wheat (which I barley eat anyway, but still could be causing an issue right?). The doctor said not to change anything, it wasn't my fault. Good, I wasn't causing it. Now I need to figure out how to fix it. The mission began...

I tried the mineral oil out and it was so oily. I also learned that it was a by product of petroleum, yes, gas. Just as bad as Vaseline. I didn't feel good putting that on my tiny baby's head. I tried using coconut oil as well and it was also too greasy.It didn't seem to be doing anything either. 

So, why not try nipple cream? Why not right? I didn't use much this time around anyway. Breastfeeding baby number 2 proved much easier... so, I had some from Belly Laughs made my the Matter Company.

I used the nipple cream 4 times a day and it seemed to keep his face from getting worse and started to clear it up. It was still a bit greasy and I wasn't noticing any huge improvements. So I came across a local skincare line called Eco Chic Movement made here in Ottawa. I used the Baby Face Cream and within just 2 application under 24 hours, his face was 90% clear. I was overjoyed! After weeks of trying to battle the skin issue, it was finally over. A couple more days of using the cream and Harrison's face is as soft as ever. The cream is great and I feel good using it on him. There isn't a harsh fragrance and it soaks into his skin leaving it looking great and feeling soft.

I'm looking forward to trying more products soon. The prices are also economical. Considering the money I spent of oils and other creams, I could have bought 5 jars of the Baby Face Cream!! Now you know :) Cheers to soft baby cheeks!

Update: Craziest Summer Ever!

Wow, I haven't posted a thing since April. That's crazy. We've had a lot going on since then. We decided to put our house up for sale and buy a new one all while I was about to have a second baby. It sounded like such a great idea until things started being real. Real as in, having to keep a house spotless, and I mean spotless for 2 weeks worth of showings. Oh ya, as if that wasn't hard enough, we thought we could sell our house on our own without a Realtor. We were insane! We somehow managed to pull it all off. We ended up buying the house we really wanted in the perfect neighbourhood to raise a young family. Everything worked out in the end, but getting to the point of feeling "normal" was not easy. Moving post c-section was hard with a 3 week old. Do I even need to explain the stress? We had little help (those who helped were amazing and we thank you all!) so it wasn't easy for my husband to basically pack up our entire life and throw it in two portable storage units all on his own. We ended up homeless for about 2 weeks. I felt so useless and had never seen my husband that stressed out before. 

We are now settled in and loving our new house. It was the most stressful thing we ever did, but it was 100% worth it. We're never ever, ever, ever moving AGAIN! At least not until the boys are big enough to help! 

Harrison was born June 2, 2014. Everything went perfect during the c-section and I was in heaven with my new baby... until the drugs wore off. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I said I would be ok on my own all night while my husband went home with our oldest son. I've always been horrible at accepting help from others or even asking for it. I didn't think I would need it. I made the night nurse work extra hard! I'm sure they were annoyed with me by the third night. I was so happy to be home and I was also glad that my recovery went much quicker than I thought it would.I really think staying so active during my pregnancy helped. I still over did it some days and that was hard, but I listened to my body and I'm not right back into the swing of things.

Since April Carson has grown up so much. He has become a big brother. What a great big brother he is. It's been so amazing seeing his connection to Harrison. He's even already started calling him "Harry". Before Harrison was born I was worried about that becoming his nickname, but it's grown on me. It's cute. I'm very grateful that Carson loves his baby brother. Yes, there are moments he has also thrown a monster truck at his head, but that's life. That's what siblings do.I know there will be many more of these moments over the years. I grew up with 2 other siblings and I remember many arguments and fights. It's just part of family.

We didn't do much for vacation or holidays in general this year. With moving expenses we're pretty tapped out financially. Some years we just have to give up vacation. The stress of traveling with a baby and a toddler would NOT be vacation to us. We're much more comfortable at home. My husband was off for 9 weeks once Harrison was born. He spent most of the time moving us into our new house and playing with Carson while I was with Harrison. We tried to do some family outings and spent as much time together as we could. I really miss him being off now that he's back at work. Dealing with 2 kids for 10-12 hours alone is long some days. I'm not going to lie, I've cracked open the wine before 4pm some days! What a difference wine can make! Wow.

September is here and is bringing even more changes to our lives. Carson starts preschool this week! It's only 2 days a week for 3 hours in the mornings, but I'm just in shock that this is his last year at home with me full-time. He has grown into such an independent little man. He's extremely social. I know he's going to just love nursery school. We went to meet the teachers last week and were there for over an hour. He didn't even want to leave and didn't care where I was. He's so ready.

I've also signed him up for swimming lessons on Monday mornings. This time he'll be going in the pool alone without a parent. This is a big step for any kid. Austin has been taking him for the past 3-4 sessions and he's never gone alone. I know he can do it and this will be a very good thing for him, but still, he needs to stop growing so quickly! He barley lets me hug him anymore. He's only 3. It's true what people say, they really do grow up too fast. This is why I'm trying my hardest, and sometimes my hardest fails when it's a bad day, to really enjoy these days. I know they are the best days of my life and I'll miss having these little kids in my life when they're towering over me one day with facial hair.. I don't even want to think of that yet!

Overall, this summer has flown by! We've spent most of it pretty stressed out adjusting to many changes. I'm glad that fall is upon us and a new routine is being established with both the boys. We're enjoying being a family of 4 very much. Every day is a new adventure which sometimes brings it's struggles. Those struggles and challenges make me a stronger person. I learn from it all!

I'm hoping to make this a bit more of a regular thing. Thanks for being patient with my long update :)

"I want to see my baby brother!"

Over the past few weeks as my belly has been rapidly expanding, Carson has taken a huge interest in talking to his baby brother. When he wakes up in the morning, he comes into our room and wants to sing to his brother and see him. I have to admit, it really is the sweetest thing. The connection they already have as brothers is so unique. 

When the baby kicks and moves, Carson likes to see that too. I'm glad that Carson is old enough to experience this with me. He seems to understand what's going on. I've always tried to explain things to him as much as I can. We want to include him in this experience as much as possible. I've made a point not to be constantly talking about the baby. I never want Carson to feel like he's being replaced or not as special as the new baby. Everything he's doing is on his own accord. That's what makes is so amazing to me. As a parent expecting the unexpected is something that I do often. Carson constantly says and does things I can't believe. 

He touches the baby and says he loves his baby brother. He sings songs to him and shares his food and toys with him. I just hope that it all continues when the baby is actually here in a few more weeks. 

These are some of the special moments as a Mother, I'll never forget and always cherish. I'm very greatful for the gifts I've been given. 

Learning to Slow Down.... sort of...

I went to the gym on the weekend and did BodyAttack. About half way through, my round ligament started to feel tight. I tried to take the low options to take a bit of a break from the jumping, but it's so hard to just slow down and be the only one not doing the full workout. I still took it somewhat easy from that point on, but I didn't enjoy the rest of the class one bit. I kept thinking of the pain I was feeling. I didn't want to just leave the class. The pain would just go away right?

It's not in my nature to "slack off", especially when it comes to workouts. My body was telling me to stop though and I didn't listen to it. A huge sign that maybe being 26 weeks pregnant is a good time to start modifying my workouts a teeny tiny bit.

After the class in the change room, another Mom approached me and told me that she regretted not slowing down sooner. She said she worked out too long and ended up having a harder time getting back into her routine after her second baby. She told me that as soon as I start to feel any type of pain, to just stop doing those types of exercises. 

I thought it was really nice of her to reach out to me this way. Even though I had already came to this realization, I don't know if I would have stopped the class entirely unless she told me her story.I would call that denial. I did the same thing last Spring when I hurt my foot. I was in pain, but just kept doing high impact workouts. Well, I ended up tearing a muscle in my arch. I'm still not 100% back to normal. I really am that stubborn when it comes to my workout regime. I like to push myself to my limits and won't accept anything less or I feel like I've "failed".

I'm growing a precious life inside my body and I haven't been even close to doing anything that would put him or myself at risk. Prior to this pregnancy my fitness level was advanced and very used to all the things I am doing to it now. Just because I was used to it and have felt good up until this weekend, doesn't mean I should just keep going this hard every week. I need to slow down...

My problem is just accepting that I need to change what I'm doing now. I need to understand that I won't balloon up like a whale just because I stop killing myself in BodyAttack class. I need to treat myself better.

What is most important now is that I have energy to take care of Carson and that I don't injure myself. I also work 3-4 times a week and need to be able to function there. I only have 3 more months. All of these body changes are only temporary and I haven't gained even half of what I did with Carson at this point. Instead of always looking at the negative, I need to start being happy with what I've achieved. I need to say goodbye to tuck jumps and plyo lunges and hello to a new routine. My body is an amazing thing. My body is growing a human begin and it's doing a great job so far. I need to nurture my body more. Go to a prenatal yoga class. I need to stop trying to push myself so hard and let go of my fear of "being fat" so that I can just enjoy the rest of this pregnancy. I need to embrace my body and the wonderful things it's doing to give me another baby to love and hold. I need to stop comparing myself to the other perfect girls at the gym who aren't pregnant. I am beautiful too.

I need to just stop fighting with myself. I love being pregnant and I'm so excited to meet this baby. I'm doing a great job with my nutrition and keeping as active as I can. Now it's time to also relax more and love myself. I can do this.