Am I Invisible?

Carson was sick, sick for 6 days in a row. I went to the doctor after 2 days of fever and no sleep and was told it was viral and to come back in 48 hours if the fever continued. 3 days later, I went back. He has strep throat. First time ever. I was so relieved we actually figured it out. It was around 3pm when we found this out and Carson hadn't napped. He hasn't been napping since he's been sick for some reason. He fell asleep in the truck on the way to the store to go fill his prescription. I felt horrible dragging him around this tired, but I had no choice. He needed his medication--yesterday!

 I'm sure people were looking at me like I was a horrible parent. Why did I have such a sick tired boy out at the store? I hadn't showered in 2 days either, so I guess I didn't look all that amazing either.

So, I dropped off the prescription and wandered around the grocery store. I tried to keep Carson from being upset or falling asleep in the cart. After 20 minutes, I went to pick up his prescription, there were two people ahead of me. At this point, Carson was whinny and wanted to be held. He rested his head on me and was getting hot again too. Why did I not go to my usual pharmacy? I've never waited this long before for antibiotics! 
 
The person ahead of me had an older son who also had strep. She was nice and told me Carson would be better soon. It wouldn't take long. I felt like she was genuine. It was of her to say that to me. I felt like someone maybe understood what I was going through.

After waiting for what felt like forever, it was finally our turn. Carson wanted to come out of the cart and his boots got stuck. I had to try to get them out as he was screaming. There were about 3 people behind me and no one helped me. 

I paid for Carson's prescription with one hand and had to push a giant cart with the other to go pay for the 7 things I had picked up. People just looked at me like I was crazy or something.

Of course, it was busy... it's never this busy during the day! I had Carson in my arms crying and upset. I got in the best line I could see. I felt like I wanted to cry myself. Did I really need milk and eggs? 

Just because I'm so lucky, I got in line behind an older person who doesn't know how to use her own debit card. Seriously, why use a debit card if you don't know how to use it? Just use cash lady!! I was starting to loose it. She took forever to move too and I just wanted to hit her with my cart! 
 
There were several people in line behind me. I put up all my food with Carson clinging to me and crying, all with one hand. No one helped me. 

I finally paid for everything. I used my TAP PASS for debit too. It was so easy! I walked out, still with Carson clinging to me, he would not go back in the cart. My arm at this point was numb, but I just kept on going. I guess all my workouts are paying off!

We finally got home, he got his dose of medication and wanted to cuddle in our bed. I was starving! Oh well, he needed me. 

Austin finally got home and brought me some food in bed once he figured out where we were. Carson fell asleep pretty quick, but it didn't last long. While I was sitting in my dark room, alone with my sick boy, I was able to think about my experience at the store.

I just feel like if I saw another parent with their sick child, I'd help, or at least offer. I'd maybe let the parent go ahead of me in line. What's wrong with our culture today? No one helps each other, no one understands what others are going through. Everyone just ignores others,they wouldn't want to make eye contact or maybe they'd feel like they need to help. It seems like people just care about themselves and what's best for them. No one wants to be inconvenienced. 

I was disapointed, but also not overly surprised. I'm starting to realize that I can't expect help, I can't expect understanding, or compassion from people. This world can be ugly.  Words are one thing, but actions are another.

All I can be is who I was taught to be. Someone who cares about others and takes time to help when I see a need for it. I will make sure to teach Carson to do the same. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm too nice and I worry that because I've had some negative experiences, I'm going to turn bitter, I'm trying to fight against that. I was born a people pleaser, which isn't a great thing at times, I've had to learn to say no to things when it isn't right for me. I need to stand up for myself more too.

As connected as we think we are with all the social media these days, people are so disconnected when it really counts. There's no sense of community, there's not a lot of support for young families. It feels like people just don't care what you're going through, their life is more important. Everyone is in robot mode or attached to what's going on in Facebook land. 

Was I just invisible at the grocery store yesterday? I know I wasn't and now I know how much I'm capable of too... even at almost 19 weeks pregnant with 6 sleepless nights. I am strong and I had to dig deep for my inner strength to take care of my son. 

The past week has been a bit rough, being home all day with a clingy kid. I love the extra cuddles and I want to be here for Carson. It can be frustrating and stressful too when one little thing needs so much of me. Austin tries to help, but Carson just wants me. I can only give so much. I've just felt so alone and not understood. I feel horrible not being able to work. What can I do though? I don't have any family around that can help, and I'm sure Carson would only want me anyway. It's just not so simple. 

These are the days are the days of parenthood I'll want to forget, but at the same time, I know I won't because I've grown as a person and as a Mother from what I've endured. Carson and I have had a lot of bonding time too. It's crazy how one minute it feels like I just can't do this one more day, but 3 more days pass and I'm still doing it. The roller coaster ride continues. When it's hard, it's really hard, and when it's good, it's really good. 
 
I won't give up on the people in this world. I know there are many people who would have helped me out. I know that the most important thing is that I was strong for Carson and did my best for him. Nothing else matters but my family. I can't rely on anything or anyone to understand me, bring me dinner or clean my house. That's my job. 

Carson is on the mend now and I appreciate the lessons I've learned this week. Just try to remember next time you see a crazy Mama struggling anywhere, just offer to help. Take a minute or two, it would mean the world to that Mama...