Full Day Junior Kindergarten Check In

September 10th was Carson's first full day of JK. He did so well that day! I was nervous, but excited for him to start this new adventure of his life. I knew he was ready. He's super social and did very well in preschool. He looked cute and had a perfectly packed lunch. I was going to miss him, but I had no idea how much.

I didn't know this transition would be as long as it has been. People tell you things before your kid goes to school for the first time, but it's hard to imagine it all or even believe it all. How could it really take 3 months for Carson to adjust? No way! 

One hard thing for me is not really knowing what he's doing all day. Loss of complete control over who he plays with and talks to. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but he's only 4, so I like to know what he's up to. 

The biggest change is how tired he is. He still comes home and wants to watch a show. For a while he asked me to leave him alone because he needs his own time. That was hard for me. I have struggled with the fact that I don't even really see my own kid anymore. The mornings are just rushing around packing his lunch and getting him to school (I'm so fortunate and get to walk to drop him off and pick him up with his little brother), on weekends, Carson is glued to his Daddy who plays with him almost whenever he wants. He also starts at 815, so it's pretty early. When he comes home he's a zombie and like I said, wants to be left alone. He goes to bed quite early too and has very low energy. I know this is all "normal", but I just miss him.

Carson's treats for his "sweet spot" in his lunch box :)

I worked part-time when he was 11 months and then I've been off with him since April 2014 full time. It's hard to let go of him now. All the days we had together that I perhaps didn't realize were as precious as they seem now. It just feels like I'm missing a part of myself. I remember when Carson was 2 and thinking that it would be nice to have a break when he's in school, but it's not what I thought it would be.  I know there are so many positive things about school, I'll get to those, but I wanted to just explain how this has affected me as his Mama.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a decline in his appetite and his bottom lip was red and chapped from biting it. I also noticed he started to bite his nails. All of these things are new. He's also been putting his hands in his mouth more often. These were all signs of anxiety to me. His face looked tired too. He for sure has lost some weight. So, I booked a meeting with his teacher to talk to her about my concerns. 

His teacher was surprised I booked a meeting with her because he has such great days with her. She began to fill me in on how he's been doing in the classroom. I heard many positive things. I heard that he is kind to others, that he has empathy towards others and wants to make them feel better if they are hurt or crying, I heard he is eager and excited to learn new things and encourages other kids to do the same. Wow. So, he's doing fine? Really? That's it? I guess part of me almost felt jealous of the teacher for being able to see so many things I didn't know about or have anything to do with. She gets to spend all this fun time with him while I was feeling like I just see a grumpy kid most nights. It was very relieving to gain some insight into his routine and his behaviour at school. I've always felt very comfortable sending him to school. His teachers are seriously amazing and I am very grateful for how they care for Carson.

So why then, six weeks later, after all this good stuff, did Carson not want to go to school today? Why did he cry and cling onto me? On picture day? Did something happen? Was someone mean to him? Why did my heart break as I walked home? Why do I still cry and miss him more than ever? Why didn't anyone tell me about this? 

I know for a fact that Carson is tired. He had swimming lessons last night and that's a busy night too. He was up at 6am this morning too. It's just a lot. He's only 4 years old. Even for a busy boy like him, this has been tougher than I expected.

So, what should I do about my feelings? I have some ideas and would love to hear any other suggestions. 

1) I'm going to make darn sure that I soak up ever single ounce of Harrison's next 3 years home with me. I shouldn't say I didn't do that with Carson, but now that he's in school, I just see how fast it all really does go and how all of a sudden, your baby isn't a baby anymore... so, so FAST! 

2) I'm going to scheudle MOMMY & CARSON ONLY time every single weekend. Even an hour. I just miss simple things. Even going to Costco with him. I miss listening to him talk and his sound effects when he hangs onto the cart. He's my little helper.

3) I'm going to keep him home on days I know he's tired. Maybe only 1-2 times per month, but I'm going to give him some rest and some time at home in his pj's with some movies. He needs that. He has an entire year next year to get ready for grade 1. He doesn't need to be pushed so much this year, if he needs a break.

4) I'm going to stop making myself feel guilty for sending him to school. He's supposed to be spreading his wings right now and from what I heard from the teacher, we've been doing a good job so far establishing some good roots. 

I hope that this helps some other first time Mama's going through the transition to full day kindergarten. 

xo
marie

Acceptance

I still remember when we first had Carson after the initial "parent high" wore off I thought:"What did we do?". Our life had dramatically changed in just 11 hours. We became parents. 

I remember always thinking "I want things to be like they were. When are things going to be normal again?". It took me some time and I struggled through many emotions before realizing a simple truth-- nothing was ever going to be the way it was before. We can't go back to the days where we could sleep in and do whatever we wanted. We would not just have free time to just waste sitting at Chapters sipping on $10 Starbucks coffee. Leaving the house was an event, not just a last minute decision anymore.

Stress. Stress. Stress. Adjusting to a new baby was stressful. That took a huge toll on us as a couple as well. The constant competition of "who has it harder". Working full time or being at home with a crying baby stuck to your boobs almost all day and night!

Once I learned to accept my life the way it was and stopped trying to "make things the way they were", everything shifted. I was happier. I was free. I was able to be more present. I let go of control. 

Now, almost 3 1/2 years since becoming a Mother for the first time, I'm still learning acceptance, but this time it's not about being a parent, it's about my body. 

Post-baby body is one thing that people kind of joke about. You get the comments when you're pregnant the first time. Things such as: "It's like an apron." I don't think any women who hasn't had a baby gets that until she sees it for the first time. Horrific. Or "You're eating for two! The weight will just melt right off if you're breastfeeding!" EFFF YOU! Not true for me. I shouldn't have eaten so much (the first time!).

The reality for me (not every woman is the same) is that it takes time. A lot of time. Especially while breastfeeding and not really sleeping. Loosing weight without sleeping more than 3 hours in a row is pretty hard for your body. Same thing with all the crazy hormones that breastfeeding comes with. Super fun.

Thankfully with my second I gained 20 less pounds than with my first, so I'm well ahead of the game at the moment. It still doesn't mean that I love the body I'm in. 

I've been trying very hard to love myself and accept who I am right now in this moment. I've been trying to say I don't care about the loose skin and the fact I can't wear any of my pre-baby clothes. I've been trying really hard to find inner peace within myself. I've been trying to look in the mirror and see the beauty and not the ugly. The thing is, I've been lying to myself. A lot.

I don't like my body. I never will until I get back to where I was. I won't be happy until my boobs are back to being A cups and not E cups. I know this body is temporary. I'm actively trying to change it, but at the exact same time, I'm trying to LOVE it. How can one do this? It feels like I'm fighting with myself.

How can I accept my body for what it is now when I'm also trying to make it into something else? It's an impossible task.

One Mama friend gave me some advice one day and it made so much sense, we need to let it go and know that we're working toward it every day. We're making the right choices to reach our goal. I'm keeping that in the back of my mind every week.

My main motivation is my boys. Both of them. I created them with this body, I'm now nourishing one of them each day with my body. That is enough. That has to be enough. I don't want to miss these days focused on vanity. Yes, I'm always going to thrive to get my body back, but it will come back, just like it did after Carson. I'm healthy, I have a beautiful life. I have it all. Who cares about 15 pounds. 

I accept myself as I am in this moment in time.