This morning I dropped Carson off at his daycare and went to the gym. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but I had to do it. I can't believe how bad I feel when I do things like this to him.
As I was walking away from the house, I could still hear him screaming. I felt awful. I'm making my kid cry and be upset just so I can workout. Tomorrow is his first full day at daycare. He will only be going once a week while I work a full day. It's not even that bad, I'm still with him 70% of the time, but I still feel like the worst Mother ever!!
As a new Mom I think this whole guilt thing is just going to stick around, or I'm breaking myself in and getting super strong for the next one. I feel bad all the time for doing things for myself, so I just don't. I always put Carson first. That's ok though. I want to do that as much as I can. I take time for myself when I can. Luckily, I have a more than capable husband who supports me and cares about giving me time for myself too.
It's funny because I know Carson needs to experience these things, but I never thought it would be this hard. I knew being a Mom would be work, but I never expected to feel bad just for integrating him into daycare. Guilt, guilt, guilt! In the end, all these hard and stressful things just makes me stronger. Carson benefits from it too. He's learned that I come back and that it's ok to be without me for short or longer periods of time.
The guilt of a Mother....
September 10, 2012
July 9, 2012
A Walking, Talking... What?
Carson has now been walking since early June (the 6th to be exact) and each week his walking has progressed. He went through the falling stages and more timid stages, and now he just runs all over the place. I rarely see him crawl. Only to a wall or thing so he can pull himself back into a standing position.
Over the past 2 weeks Carson is also babbling much more. He really is trying hard to communicate. I've always talked to Carson as much as I could and I have noticed that he actually is starting to understand what I'm saying to him.
When I say "Let's do your diaper." he goes to the stairs and waits for me and we go up together. Same with bathtime, or he knows what walk means already. I am still shocked at how quick this past few months has gone by and just how much my boy has changed and grown up.
I've been so busy with work and life that having a chance to reflect on these changes hasn't come until now. I'm so proud of Carson. He's really smart and developing so well. He's so independent and we have so much fun together.
He likes to play games with me and when we're together and happy, it's like time doesn't exist.
I'm so greatful for all my time with Carson. Being back to work has been busy, but I have also had more chances to really value my time at home. I always did, but now I do even more. I love my boy!
Over the past 2 weeks Carson is also babbling much more. He really is trying hard to communicate. I've always talked to Carson as much as I could and I have noticed that he actually is starting to understand what I'm saying to him.
When I say "Let's do your diaper." he goes to the stairs and waits for me and we go up together. Same with bathtime, or he knows what walk means already. I am still shocked at how quick this past few months has gone by and just how much my boy has changed and grown up.
I've been so busy with work and life that having a chance to reflect on these changes hasn't come until now. I'm so proud of Carson. He's really smart and developing so well. He's so independent and we have so much fun together.
He likes to play games with me and when we're together and happy, it's like time doesn't exist.
I'm so greatful for all my time with Carson. Being back to work has been busy, but I have also had more chances to really value my time at home. I always did, but now I do even more. I love my boy!
June 11, 2012
It's been a week since my first day back to work. I am working about 15-25 hours a week and on paper that doesn't seem like much, but it's been a lot harder to adjust to than I anticipated.
I was so anxious about how Carson was going to be without me there at bedtime. I was hoping for the best, but somewhat wanting him to miss me too. He did really well for Austin for the first two bedtimes without his Mommy. No issues. It was just a normal night, but without me there.
It was so strange being at work. Being in an adult environment is weird to get used to. Working as a CSR in the bank is also a very social job. I was overwhelmed for the first few days. It was weird not being able to eat when I wanted, or even fart! Yes, fart! I said it. You sure get used to being at home when you're on parental leave.
The first full day away from Carson was also a stressful day for me. Of course he woke up at 4am that morning and woke me up too. He did go back to sleep until 7am which is an hour longer than he normally sleeps. The one day that I had to be out of the house by 8am he does this!! Really!?? I had to actually get ready for work. This is a process. Something I'm not really used to. I've been wearing lululemon capris and joe fresh t's for the past 2 months religiously. I've even stopped making excuses for my attire lately. I just don't care! I'm a Mom!
So where am I even going with all of this? I guess going back to work has been much harder than I thought it would be at first. The good news is, like everything, it gets easier. I'm now getting used to it. It's crazy how women can add so much extra to their lives and just keep taking it. Really, wouldn't it be nice if life wasn't so expensive and we could just not work and spend 100% of our time with our children? On the other hand, it's been awesome getting back into a professional environment. I feel like I'm getting my brains back. (not all of them though, I don't think I ever will again.)
I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was for me to just throw myself back into my old job. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised! I was doing it for 5 years almost before I had Carson. It's scary how much I just did without thinking. The team I'm working with has also been very welcoming. The mix of people I'm working with are so easy going and very down to Earth. I feel like I'm really fitting in and I will excel in what I'm doing.
I feel much more relaxed about leaving Carson for extended amounts of time now as well. I am now starting to think about leaving him for a weekend and doing something FUN. I have fun every single day when I'm with Carson, but I mean, baby-free-fun!
Life is a constant battle of dinner, dishes, taking care of everyone and trying to fit in something for yourself (which usually comes last, but hey, that's just something else we accept right?). The real challenge is figuring out how to juggle the important things.
I'm so greatful for the help we've received from my Mother-in-law as well. Carson has not had to go to daycare nor have I had to shell out any extra cash. He gets lots of attention from her too. Thankfully, he's also sleeping for her. This was a HUGE concern before I went back to work.
As you may have read, we had some major sleep troubles with Carson at the beginning so I was worried that everyhting I had worked so hard to make work was going to be thrown out the window. Carson surprised me and kept to his sleeping routine. This was so relieving for us.
June has been a very busy month for the Reid family! Austin's birthday is tomorrow, my sister's bridal shower is next week, and then it's Carson's first birthday the following weekend! I've been dealing with all this on top of starting work again. How do I do it? I just do.
I was so anxious about how Carson was going to be without me there at bedtime. I was hoping for the best, but somewhat wanting him to miss me too. He did really well for Austin for the first two bedtimes without his Mommy. No issues. It was just a normal night, but without me there.
It was so strange being at work. Being in an adult environment is weird to get used to. Working as a CSR in the bank is also a very social job. I was overwhelmed for the first few days. It was weird not being able to eat when I wanted, or even fart! Yes, fart! I said it. You sure get used to being at home when you're on parental leave.
The first full day away from Carson was also a stressful day for me. Of course he woke up at 4am that morning and woke me up too. He did go back to sleep until 7am which is an hour longer than he normally sleeps. The one day that I had to be out of the house by 8am he does this!! Really!?? I had to actually get ready for work. This is a process. Something I'm not really used to. I've been wearing lululemon capris and joe fresh t's for the past 2 months religiously. I've even stopped making excuses for my attire lately. I just don't care! I'm a Mom!
So where am I even going with all of this? I guess going back to work has been much harder than I thought it would be at first. The good news is, like everything, it gets easier. I'm now getting used to it. It's crazy how women can add so much extra to their lives and just keep taking it. Really, wouldn't it be nice if life wasn't so expensive and we could just not work and spend 100% of our time with our children? On the other hand, it's been awesome getting back into a professional environment. I feel like I'm getting my brains back. (not all of them though, I don't think I ever will again.)
I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was for me to just throw myself back into my old job. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised! I was doing it for 5 years almost before I had Carson. It's scary how much I just did without thinking. The team I'm working with has also been very welcoming. The mix of people I'm working with are so easy going and very down to Earth. I feel like I'm really fitting in and I will excel in what I'm doing.
I feel much more relaxed about leaving Carson for extended amounts of time now as well. I am now starting to think about leaving him for a weekend and doing something FUN. I have fun every single day when I'm with Carson, but I mean, baby-free-fun!
Life is a constant battle of dinner, dishes, taking care of everyone and trying to fit in something for yourself (which usually comes last, but hey, that's just something else we accept right?). The real challenge is figuring out how to juggle the important things.
I'm so greatful for the help we've received from my Mother-in-law as well. Carson has not had to go to daycare nor have I had to shell out any extra cash. He gets lots of attention from her too. Thankfully, he's also sleeping for her. This was a HUGE concern before I went back to work.
As you may have read, we had some major sleep troubles with Carson at the beginning so I was worried that everyhting I had worked so hard to make work was going to be thrown out the window. Carson surprised me and kept to his sleeping routine. This was so relieving for us.
June has been a very busy month for the Reid family! Austin's birthday is tomorrow, my sister's bridal shower is next week, and then it's Carson's first birthday the following weekend! I've been dealing with all this on top of starting work again. How do I do it? I just do.
May 31, 2012
The Best Laid Plans
I feel like my new job is making plans with people. Yes, you know who you are. We are constantly sending messages back and forth and trying to set up a time and place to have a play date. It takes days to figure it out and then last minute, some sort of excuse comes up that we can't hang out. The baby is sick, the baby is cranky, I'm sick, nap schedules aren't synced, the list goes on.... None of these cancelled plans are anyone's fault. It's not like we all don't try to hang out, it just never happens easily with an 11 month old. Oh, how I miss when Carson was just a lump and could go almost anywhere easily. It's about to get crazier now because he's just about walking!!
So, sometimes my weeks seem like they are going to be so full of plans with friends, then most of the time the plans fall through. Most of the time it's because our kids have to nap so much! Why do babies need to sleep 3-4 hours a day?? I'm sure when Carson stops napping I will miss it and just be even busier.
Being pregnant I thought I'd have so much time to spend with other Mom's and be able to meet new friends. Yeah right! My days are all spent doing dishes, laundry, cleaning bathrooms and changing 10 diapers or more. I can't forget about our poor dog Arlo either. He needs walks. We STILL don't have our backyard fenced in so he needs to be walked on a leash. That is a half an hour event in itself.
I guess this post is sort of a general complaint (sorry about that ,I'm sure it's not all that inspiring to any future-Mom's reading this). The reality of being a stay-at-home- Mom is that it can get very monotonous. It's pretty sad when most of my socializing is with a computer! Not my thing really. I'm used to interacting with humans! I'm sure the ladies at Belly Laughs hate when I come in. They must think:"Oh no, not this girl again. She's going to talk to me for 15 minutes about nothing!"
Even though this life of mine sounds crazy and stressful (it can be at times!) I have Carson to keep me going every day. He makes me laugh and is the centre of my existence(Austin and Arlo too!). I wouldn't have it any other way. I have learned to just find pleasure in what my life is and have learned to love my own life. I can't find happiness from others. I've had to learn to find it from myself and from the family I have created.
So, sometimes my weeks seem like they are going to be so full of plans with friends, then most of the time the plans fall through. Most of the time it's because our kids have to nap so much! Why do babies need to sleep 3-4 hours a day?? I'm sure when Carson stops napping I will miss it and just be even busier.
Being pregnant I thought I'd have so much time to spend with other Mom's and be able to meet new friends. Yeah right! My days are all spent doing dishes, laundry, cleaning bathrooms and changing 10 diapers or more. I can't forget about our poor dog Arlo either. He needs walks. We STILL don't have our backyard fenced in so he needs to be walked on a leash. That is a half an hour event in itself.
I guess this post is sort of a general complaint (sorry about that ,I'm sure it's not all that inspiring to any future-Mom's reading this). The reality of being a stay-at-home- Mom is that it can get very monotonous. It's pretty sad when most of my socializing is with a computer! Not my thing really. I'm used to interacting with humans! I'm sure the ladies at Belly Laughs hate when I come in. They must think:"Oh no, not this girl again. She's going to talk to me for 15 minutes about nothing!"
Even though this life of mine sounds crazy and stressful (it can be at times!) I have Carson to keep me going every day. He makes me laugh and is the centre of my existence(Austin and Arlo too!). I wouldn't have it any other way. I have learned to just find pleasure in what my life is and have learned to love my own life. I can't find happiness from others. I've had to learn to find it from myself and from the family I have created.
May 29, 2012
Baby Steps
Carson finally took his first unassisted steps yesterday. It broke my heart at the same time as filling it with overwhelming joy. Thinking that he's just about to turn 11 months already is getting me a bit emotional these days. He sure is growing up fast. It's great to see how well he's growing and becoming his own little person now.
Nothing really prepares you for how fast it all goes by. Everyone told me that it goes by fast, but now I'm here. I'm about to start work again next week and I am just in shock that his first birthday is coming.
A year ago he was still inside my belly and I had no idea the crazy ride I was about to embark on and here we are, with a sweet baby boy taking his first steps.
This month has flown by, just like the rest, and I am excited and nervous about starting back to work part-time. It will be a change even though it's very few hours. I decided to take a position that is close to home and only weekends and evenings for now. I weighed a lot of my options and this was what was going to best suit our family.
I have learned that having a child changes everything. You can't just get up and go do whatever you want to do anymore. Your day ends around 6pm when bath time and bedtime routine start. Everything is busy! It keeps getting busier. I've been told by many that is gets easier as they age, I disagree. Certain things do, but Carson is one busy boy! He doesn't sit still and when he wants something he sure lets me know. It's almost impossible for me to cook dinner or get dishes done with a little person pulling on my pants or pinching my legs!
Carson took his first baby steps this week and I am going to be taking my first baby steps letting him go when I go back to work next week.
Nothing really prepares you for how fast it all goes by. Everyone told me that it goes by fast, but now I'm here. I'm about to start work again next week and I am just in shock that his first birthday is coming.
A year ago he was still inside my belly and I had no idea the crazy ride I was about to embark on and here we are, with a sweet baby boy taking his first steps.
This month has flown by, just like the rest, and I am excited and nervous about starting back to work part-time. It will be a change even though it's very few hours. I decided to take a position that is close to home and only weekends and evenings for now. I weighed a lot of my options and this was what was going to best suit our family.
I have learned that having a child changes everything. You can't just get up and go do whatever you want to do anymore. Your day ends around 6pm when bath time and bedtime routine start. Everything is busy! It keeps getting busier. I've been told by many that is gets easier as they age, I disagree. Certain things do, but Carson is one busy boy! He doesn't sit still and when he wants something he sure lets me know. It's almost impossible for me to cook dinner or get dishes done with a little person pulling on my pants or pinching my legs!
Carson took his first baby steps this week and I am going to be taking my first baby steps letting him go when I go back to work next week.
May 17, 2012
Let's See How Far We've Come
10 months have gone by since we brought our beautiful baby boy home from the hospital. We've been through many challenges and sometimes when I look back there was a very dark period for me when Carson wasn't sleeping well. A huge learning curve had to be tackled. The biggest challenge of my life. There were so many moments that I said:"I can't do this anymore!" The thing was that I had no choice.
Here I am now after getting through some really tough times, with a happy, beautiful boy smiling and laughing at me. We have some really fun days. There is still so much work at this age, but it's all so worth it!
All the really hard months seem like they never happened now. Carson is sleeping well at night and napping well during the day. He's a happy boy! We made it! We've come a long way...
This week Carson started using his walker all on his own. He's minutes away from walking by himself. He also successfully ate lunch with his day care provider and played while I did some errands without crying. A huge relief for me as I know I will be headed back to work very soon.
I just look at him and see just how fast he's changing into a toddler already. I'm proud of who he is already becoming and how far we've made it. I have to say, there were some tough nights, weeks and days I used to wonder why the heck I even had a baby!
All I know is that it seems that every week Carson is doing something new. He's finding new ways of communicating, he's getting stronger and making me smile more and more.
It's amazing to me that I have the honour of helping to mould him into who he will be. Sure, some of who he becomes will be nature, but I can also impact his values and life experiences. Carson has been making up for all the crap he put me through at the beginning. The rewards are being reaped! I'm loving this age so much. I never thought I'd want him to get bigger, now he's about 22 pounds and I'm not looking back :)
Here I am now after getting through some really tough times, with a happy, beautiful boy smiling and laughing at me. We have some really fun days. There is still so much work at this age, but it's all so worth it!
All the really hard months seem like they never happened now. Carson is sleeping well at night and napping well during the day. He's a happy boy! We made it! We've come a long way...
This week Carson started using his walker all on his own. He's minutes away from walking by himself. He also successfully ate lunch with his day care provider and played while I did some errands without crying. A huge relief for me as I know I will be headed back to work very soon.
I just look at him and see just how fast he's changing into a toddler already. I'm proud of who he is already becoming and how far we've made it. I have to say, there were some tough nights, weeks and days I used to wonder why the heck I even had a baby!
All I know is that it seems that every week Carson is doing something new. He's finding new ways of communicating, he's getting stronger and making me smile more and more.
It's amazing to me that I have the honour of helping to mould him into who he will be. Sure, some of who he becomes will be nature, but I can also impact his values and life experiences. Carson has been making up for all the crap he put me through at the beginning. The rewards are being reaped! I'm loving this age so much. I never thought I'd want him to get bigger, now he's about 22 pounds and I'm not looking back :)
May 3, 2012
Back To Work
When Austin and I first met and had all those crazy discussions about life and our future together, one thing we talked about was kids. We both said that we wanted to be there for our kids as much as possible.
Austin and I both were fortunate to have wonderful Mother's who stayed at home with us most of our lives. We grew up with a Mom there whenever we needed her. A Mom to send us off to school and be there when we got home. We both agreed that we wanted the same thing for our own children one day.
One day is here!! After months of thinking and talking about what I'm going to do about going back to work I've decided to go back part-time. I know we will be giving up certain things.. wait, we already have! We don't go out, we don't buy fancy things and we aren't moving into a massive house anytime soon. We want to enjoy growing our family and be able to afford things here and there. We can make it work, we just need to pinch pennies.. wait, we already do!
The cost of daycare compared to my income and the amount of time I would be away from my baby was just not worth it. Nothing would get done around the house and I would be exhausted. I'm not sure how other Mother's do it.
Going back to work part-time is what is going to work for me (I think!). A great opportunity close to home has come up and I have my interview today. I'm excited and nervous about going back to work. I've been hanging around in Mommy-land for 10 months now and have no idea what is going on in the banking world. Wonder how many new Visa products have been rolled out? Lots of catching up to do.
Fortunately, we found a great care provider just around the corner and we have had a couple play dates so far. I know this adjustment is going to be harder on me than it will be on Carson. Lately, every time I give him his bottle and put him down for his nap, I almost cry thinking that I won't be around as much soon.
I know it's normal and every Mom goes through this. I'm worried about how well he will nap at daycare, if he's going to miss me, if he will get hurt by other kids (it's happened before under my own watch!), if I will be able to handle another role.... the list goes on.
Some good news is that my old work pants fit! They may not fix exactly the same way, but they fit and I don't have a muffin top.(woo hoo!) I know everyone will be looking to see how well I've "bounced back" from having a baby and gaining 60 pounds right? People do stare at my tummy to see the damage. I feel like just lifting up my shirt and showing them! Might not be appropriate in a professional environment though right? I will have to remind myself that I'm not at home anymore in my Mommy pants!
So much to think about, but I know I can handle this. I've handled a lot this past year. I can do it and so can Carson. Change is good, I'm going to embrace it!
Austin and I both were fortunate to have wonderful Mother's who stayed at home with us most of our lives. We grew up with a Mom there whenever we needed her. A Mom to send us off to school and be there when we got home. We both agreed that we wanted the same thing for our own children one day.
One day is here!! After months of thinking and talking about what I'm going to do about going back to work I've decided to go back part-time. I know we will be giving up certain things.. wait, we already have! We don't go out, we don't buy fancy things and we aren't moving into a massive house anytime soon. We want to enjoy growing our family and be able to afford things here and there. We can make it work, we just need to pinch pennies.. wait, we already do!
The cost of daycare compared to my income and the amount of time I would be away from my baby was just not worth it. Nothing would get done around the house and I would be exhausted. I'm not sure how other Mother's do it.
Going back to work part-time is what is going to work for me (I think!). A great opportunity close to home has come up and I have my interview today. I'm excited and nervous about going back to work. I've been hanging around in Mommy-land for 10 months now and have no idea what is going on in the banking world. Wonder how many new Visa products have been rolled out? Lots of catching up to do.
Fortunately, we found a great care provider just around the corner and we have had a couple play dates so far. I know this adjustment is going to be harder on me than it will be on Carson. Lately, every time I give him his bottle and put him down for his nap, I almost cry thinking that I won't be around as much soon.
I know it's normal and every Mom goes through this. I'm worried about how well he will nap at daycare, if he's going to miss me, if he will get hurt by other kids (it's happened before under my own watch!), if I will be able to handle another role.... the list goes on.
Some good news is that my old work pants fit! They may not fix exactly the same way, but they fit and I don't have a muffin top.(woo hoo!) I know everyone will be looking to see how well I've "bounced back" from having a baby and gaining 60 pounds right? People do stare at my tummy to see the damage. I feel like just lifting up my shirt and showing them! Might not be appropriate in a professional environment though right? I will have to remind myself that I'm not at home anymore in my Mommy pants!
So much to think about, but I know I can handle this. I've handled a lot this past year. I can do it and so can Carson. Change is good, I'm going to embrace it!
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