I'll Love You Forever

Each night after Carson gets his books, we cuddle in his rocking chair. I've sung this one little song for a long time, but over Christmas time he wanted Frosty, then Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I was tired of the Christmas songs and started to just sing the words of the book: "I'll Love You Forever".  

Yes, I memorized the whole book since I've read it so much!

Since Carson was sick when this started, I've said the words to the entire book probably 100 times. He now repeats it to his baby daughter. He found my baby from when I was a baby and called her Annabella. He also calls her his baby daughter. He puts her to sleep and baths her. It's pretty cute. 

The sweetest thing in the entire world is hearing "I love you too Mama." I can't believe how much that can just completley melt my heart. How can I love something this much and then MORE? 

Parenthood has it's very rough moments, I'm not going to lie, but hearing those three words and feeling like they're genuine is such a huge reward for all the hard days and nights. 

I know one day Carson will probably say he hates me too, or even worse things, but I'll never forget the sound of his sweet voice at this age saying he loves me.

He also sings along with me some nights for a bit until he gets tired enough. I really enjoy this special time with him. I wouldn't trade it for even a minute of watching TV or sleep. 

The other song I've started to sing to him, just because the "I love you forever" book is very long and requires a lot of thinking at times, has been:

"You are My Sunshine"

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away..

Carson also sings some of these lines with me. It's really sweet. I really do feel so grateful being able to share these special moments with my little boy. I'm going to miss these days when I won't be able to rock him in a chair anymore. I'm just soaking it all up now ;)
 

Am I Invisible?

Carson was sick, sick for 6 days in a row. I went to the doctor after 2 days of fever and no sleep and was told it was viral and to come back in 48 hours if the fever continued. 3 days later, I went back. He has strep throat. First time ever. I was so relieved we actually figured it out. It was around 3pm when we found this out and Carson hadn't napped. He hasn't been napping since he's been sick for some reason. He fell asleep in the truck on the way to the store to go fill his prescription. I felt horrible dragging him around this tired, but I had no choice. He needed his medication--yesterday!

 I'm sure people were looking at me like I was a horrible parent. Why did I have such a sick tired boy out at the store? I hadn't showered in 2 days either, so I guess I didn't look all that amazing either.

So, I dropped off the prescription and wandered around the grocery store. I tried to keep Carson from being upset or falling asleep in the cart. After 20 minutes, I went to pick up his prescription, there were two people ahead of me. At this point, Carson was whinny and wanted to be held. He rested his head on me and was getting hot again too. Why did I not go to my usual pharmacy? I've never waited this long before for antibiotics! 
 
The person ahead of me had an older son who also had strep. She was nice and told me Carson would be better soon. It wouldn't take long. I felt like she was genuine. It was of her to say that to me. I felt like someone maybe understood what I was going through.

After waiting for what felt like forever, it was finally our turn. Carson wanted to come out of the cart and his boots got stuck. I had to try to get them out as he was screaming. There were about 3 people behind me and no one helped me. 

I paid for Carson's prescription with one hand and had to push a giant cart with the other to go pay for the 7 things I had picked up. People just looked at me like I was crazy or something.

Of course, it was busy... it's never this busy during the day! I had Carson in my arms crying and upset. I got in the best line I could see. I felt like I wanted to cry myself. Did I really need milk and eggs? 

Just because I'm so lucky, I got in line behind an older person who doesn't know how to use her own debit card. Seriously, why use a debit card if you don't know how to use it? Just use cash lady!! I was starting to loose it. She took forever to move too and I just wanted to hit her with my cart! 
 
There were several people in line behind me. I put up all my food with Carson clinging to me and crying, all with one hand. No one helped me. 

I finally paid for everything. I used my TAP PASS for debit too. It was so easy! I walked out, still with Carson clinging to me, he would not go back in the cart. My arm at this point was numb, but I just kept on going. I guess all my workouts are paying off!

We finally got home, he got his dose of medication and wanted to cuddle in our bed. I was starving! Oh well, he needed me. 

Austin finally got home and brought me some food in bed once he figured out where we were. Carson fell asleep pretty quick, but it didn't last long. While I was sitting in my dark room, alone with my sick boy, I was able to think about my experience at the store.

I just feel like if I saw another parent with their sick child, I'd help, or at least offer. I'd maybe let the parent go ahead of me in line. What's wrong with our culture today? No one helps each other, no one understands what others are going through. Everyone just ignores others,they wouldn't want to make eye contact or maybe they'd feel like they need to help. It seems like people just care about themselves and what's best for them. No one wants to be inconvenienced. 

I was disapointed, but also not overly surprised. I'm starting to realize that I can't expect help, I can't expect understanding, or compassion from people. This world can be ugly.  Words are one thing, but actions are another.

All I can be is who I was taught to be. Someone who cares about others and takes time to help when I see a need for it. I will make sure to teach Carson to do the same. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm too nice and I worry that because I've had some negative experiences, I'm going to turn bitter, I'm trying to fight against that. I was born a people pleaser, which isn't a great thing at times, I've had to learn to say no to things when it isn't right for me. I need to stand up for myself more too.

As connected as we think we are with all the social media these days, people are so disconnected when it really counts. There's no sense of community, there's not a lot of support for young families. It feels like people just don't care what you're going through, their life is more important. Everyone is in robot mode or attached to what's going on in Facebook land. 

Was I just invisible at the grocery store yesterday? I know I wasn't and now I know how much I'm capable of too... even at almost 19 weeks pregnant with 6 sleepless nights. I am strong and I had to dig deep for my inner strength to take care of my son. 

The past week has been a bit rough, being home all day with a clingy kid. I love the extra cuddles and I want to be here for Carson. It can be frustrating and stressful too when one little thing needs so much of me. Austin tries to help, but Carson just wants me. I can only give so much. I've just felt so alone and not understood. I feel horrible not being able to work. What can I do though? I don't have any family around that can help, and I'm sure Carson would only want me anyway. It's just not so simple. 

These are the days are the days of parenthood I'll want to forget, but at the same time, I know I won't because I've grown as a person and as a Mother from what I've endured. Carson and I have had a lot of bonding time too. It's crazy how one minute it feels like I just can't do this one more day, but 3 more days pass and I'm still doing it. The roller coaster ride continues. When it's hard, it's really hard, and when it's good, it's really good. 
 
I won't give up on the people in this world. I know there are many people who would have helped me out. I know that the most important thing is that I was strong for Carson and did my best for him. Nothing else matters but my family. I can't rely on anything or anyone to understand me, bring me dinner or clean my house. That's my job. 

Carson is on the mend now and I appreciate the lessons I've learned this week. Just try to remember next time you see a crazy Mama struggling anywhere, just offer to help. Take a minute or two, it would mean the world to that Mama... 

Did THAT Really Happen?

Over the past month a few interesting situations have transpired when I've been with Carson. I've been debating whether or not to share this particular story for fear of judgement, but I figure, it's kinda funny now and I'm sure I'm not the only parent that has had something crazy happen to them throughout the course of raising their children. I'm only 2 years in, so I'm still trying to figure out how to outsmart a toddler. I really never expected my son, my teeny tiny baby boy, to ever be this smart so fast. Obviously, Carson is my first and only, so I have nothing to compare to and have no idea what I'm doing half the time.

My way of parenting has been just learning as I go and figuring out how to tackle the challenges I face when I'm faced with them. The only book I've ever referenced has been a sleep book or two and even then, I didn't read the book from cover to cover. What parent has that kind of time? I'd love to say I did!!!!

So here's the story.....

One morning Carson and I were playing and having lots of fun. Then he wanted to watch his favourite TV show at the moment, Daniel Tiger. I told him before we started to watch it, that we could only watch half the episode because we had to meet our friends at the gym. When the 15 minutes were up and I told him we were done, of course he didn't like that. I gave him a chance to co-operate, when he didn't, I turned off the TV, turned off the basement light (don't worry, it's not dark, we have windows!!) and went upstairs to my bedroom to get myself ready. 

About 2 minutes later he walked upstairs with no pants and no diaper. (He's been taking his own diapers off lately and going potty when he feels like it). He then told me that he let our dog outside. I asked him if he let him out in the backyard and he said, no the front door. 

GREAT!! Now my dog is running around my neighbourhood (I live in an urban development), I'm naked and my kid is half naked.

Carson leaves the room saying he's going to go check on our dog. 

I frantically throw on my clothes and by the time I run down the stairs, our front door is wide open and my kid is outside. It's cold... REALLY!!!??

Thankfully, two neighbours were out walking their dogs and caught my crazy dog and made sure my kid didn't run out on the road. 

The whole issue here, my kid can open the front door and unlock it! How did this happen!?? We've never showed this to him.

I was so embarrassed! The parents were really understanding as they have 2 small children of their own and I'm sure have a story kinda like mine.. maybe?? I hope I'm not alone here with my crazy story.

I talked to Carson and told him that he can't leave the house without a grown up. He seemed to understand and I didn't get upset with him. He's only 2. He was just trying to make sure our dog was ok. 

I've really learned that even when I wasn't distracted by Facebook or music or anything, these things can happen so fast!! I called my husband and told him what happened. He wasn't upset with me at all. He understands too how easily something like this can happen. This story has a happy ending, nothing bad came of it. We bought and extra lock for our door so we can lock ourselves in. There's no way our little toddler can escape on us again. He has to grow really tall first! 

Morale of the story, get a second lock for your door, toddlers are capable of the unexpected! Also, no parent is perfect. We're all learning and trying to do our best. We screw up, probably a lot, as long as we learn from our mistakes we will grow and become better parents. It's good to share stories like this because it makes other parents feel "normal" and understood. 

 

A Summer Cold

Of course we all end up sick for the last long weekend of the summer... I have no idea how my immune system is so compromised these days. I chug back my green smoothies almost daily, take good multi-vitamins, eat a clean diet, drink lots of water.. blah, blah, blah... oh wait, maybe it's because of my lack of SLEEP!!! 

It always happens this way.. Carson gets sick first and is up half the night, I get up with him and get drooled on and snotted all over, go back to bed, sleep for a few hours and do it again. Then I have to get up and carry on with my life and those demands. I guess eventually, my body needs a break.

A summer cold is not the same as a winter cold. It feels 10 times worse because it's SUNNY and HOT out! Why would I want to sleep and sit on the couch all day? Well, I did it anyway. I listened to my body. I did what my Mother taught me and drank lots of water and rested. It was hard. No joke. I don't like sitting around. It did help and I was back to about 80% in 2 days. Not bad considering I had Carson to look after as well.

Four days later and I'm still holding onto a bit of the snuffles. I've been using my time to clean and make meals to try to get ahead of of another busy week coming up. This cold has forced me to slow down and reflect on my life and some of the things that keep me busy. I feel like I need to work on taking more time to just chill out. No phone. No computer. No noise. Relaxing isn't something I do well and it's time that I learn to stop stressing and trying to do it all.

Carson needs a healthy Mamma to take care of him and I need to try to put myself a little higher on the priority list. I need to stop being hard on myself and expecting everything to be perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. Perfect is boring. When I am strong and healthy, my family is too. It needs to start with me. I can't prevent getting sick, but I can try harder to take more time for myself and treat myself a litter nicer. 

All Mom's out there fall into this somewhere along the way. We all put our family's needs before our own, our employers needs before our own and even our friends needs before our own. It's ok to do that sometimes and most of us are just nice enough, good natured people to do that, but we also need to think about our well being and respecting ourselves. If we don't respect ourselves, no one else will either. 

As I sit here next to my tissue box and tea, I'm reminded of the smaller things in life and just how important health is. It doesn't always matter if all the laundry gets done, if every single meal during the week was made from scratch, sometimes we just need to put our feet up and let it all go...none of that stuff will matter 20 years from now.

Bye Bye Soother!

Since I decided to take away Carson's bottles back in the spring, I've been trying to figure out how I wanted to approach taking away his soother next. We've always kept Carson's soother in his crib and have only used it for sleeping. He always had to say goodbye to it before we had breakfast or left his room. 

Just like with his bottles, I've been noticing how big he's getting, not only physically, but mentally. He's been saying things like:"More yogourt NOW!" and bigger words like "Ridiculous". Then when I see him with a soother in his mouth, it just doesn't seem right. Does he really need it?

We met our friends baby this weekend and Carson came too. He really liked the baby and was so cute with her. At one point, while I was holding the sweet baby, he tried to take my arms away from her. I guess it was his way of saying:"Hey! You were my Mommy first!". It was cute and scared me at the same time. I was more nervous around a newborn than I expected. With Carson around patting her head and trying to give her popcorn, I was going a little crazy! Oh, toddler stage... one can never really predict how their little brains are going to react. At the end of the day, we have a pretty good boy. We're very grateful for Carson. I just forget how loud and rough he is. These things are very typical, but in a child birth centre when your 2 year old is running around saying:"Hello Baby!! Hello there!" It's hilarious, cute and embarrassing all at the same time. The nurses didn't seem to care, they all said he was handsome. We still told him to whisper because babies were trying to sleep and grow. So then he preceded to whisper the word whisper. Too funny!

So, back to how I got rid of the soother............  when we came home the night that we met the new baby, we explained to Carson that babies need soothers and that he's a big boy now and doesn't need it. We told him that big boys who say big words, peddle their bikes (he just started this weekend!)  and buckle themselves up in their booster seats, don't need soothers anymore. We told him that Baby A had the soother now because she needs it still. When we explained this to him he just thought about it for a minute. Then he said:"Okay! Baby A have it.".

As we read him books that night and carried on with a normal bedtime routine,  he would randomly say:"Baby A have it. Me big kid now." SO CUTE! I just looked at him so surprised at how well he understood what we told him. He was ready to give up his soother. He was happy to share it with the baby. I just felt so beside myself in that moment. Realizing how much my own baby has grown up. 

I didn't have to cut the ends off the soothers, I didn't have to put anything yucky on them to make them taste bad, I didn't have to use the soother fairy, I didn't have to make him cry or be upset about not having a soother.. I just had to tell him he was a big boy and that he didn't need it anymore. I had been scared of this for a couple months now. I thought it would be much harder. 

My boy is not a baby at all anymore. No more bottles, no more soothers, no more rocking to sleep, no more feedings in the middle of the night... he's an independent boy. He barley kisses or hugs me anymore, but I'm ok with that. I've always given him the confidence he needs to grow and learn on his own. I want him to think for himself. No more yucky soothers!! No more dropping $10 a package!

Doing a happy dance right now!!!!

Thinking Back To the Start

Our good friends are expecting their first baby and we've been supportive and excited since we found out. Seeing how ready they are and prepared for it makes me remember what it was like for me. I still can hardly remember what our life was like before Carson became a part of it. 

Our friends have yet to experience the whirlwind of life changing moments that we already have. I look at my friend and her cute belly and think how beautiful she looks. Since I've already gone through it, I look at it all so differently now. There is a tiny life inside of her waiting to meet her and all the people who are going to love the cute little baby. Everyone is just waiting to see if it's a girl or boy. Everyone is waiting to see how her labour goes and how much the baby weighs. So much waiting... it's hard sometimes for the Mother. It's so normal to feel frustrated with even your family and friends for asking you how you're feeling. Obviously, you're feeling pregnant and just want the baby out!

I look at Carson now who is currently bouncing around on the couch, and think of how far we've come. Parenthood really changed me. I was so crazy about things with him at the beginning, but he turned out ok..so far... 

I just want our friends to have the happiest moment of their lives. Just like we did with Carson. It's an incredible gift to be a parent and meeting your precious baby is just a feeling that's indescribable.  

I still remember the point when I was getting close to my due date and just wanted the baby out. I was so impatient and just wanted to know if I was having a boy or a girl. I had every single thing ready. I just wanted to hold my baby. It was harder to understand then how important it was to let nature take its course and just how quickly it all was about to change. I know when we ever have another one, I'll look at it all differently, but I had to go through what I did to come to that realization. 

I just hope that I can be there in a positive way to help our friends. I have no doubts that they will be amazing parents. I'm looking forward to seeing how they change when they become parents and watch their journey through parenthood. 

Parenthood is priceless.... the rewards only become richer and richer as time goes on. 
 

The World Can Seem Big Sometimes

The other night, Carson and I were over at a park in our neighbourhood. He was one of the youngest there at the time and it made me realize just how innocent he still is. The behaviour of the kids and parents was appalling. I still have a lot to teach my son. A few older boys came over and were playing with some toy guns. They looked so real and I was instantly uncomfortable with the situation.

Carson is only 22 months (barley!!) and he's been changing quickly. He's picking up new words daily now, he's physically developed to a point that I barely need to help him do anything. As big as he's getting and as smart as he is, I just didn't like him being around the guns.

It was shocking to me and maybe it shouldn't have been. Being a parent in 2013 is a challenge. I've realized quickly that I can't shelter my child from the harshness of the world. He's going to figure it out either way. Plus, he doesn't look at the kids playing with the guns the same way I do. Luckily, he isn't aware of all the violence going on  in our world today. That makes me sad too that one day he'll know all that stuff.

It's overwhelming sometimes as a parent to think of all the values I need to instill in  my child. Being at the park at this time with Carson and having these feelings, made me realize too that I am a good Mother and I have a great husband who is doing this with me. We are going to teach our son how his behaviour can affect others.

The other thing that bothered me a lot was parents sitting on the benches completely ignoring their children who were behaving badly. It was awkward for me because I wanted to smack some of the kids because of how they were going down the slides and not giving Carson a chance to go down.

Parents were just sitting there on the iPhone's just hanging out, taking a break from parenting. Sorry, you can't really take a break from parenting!! That's how I look at it I guess. Once you become a parent, your life changes significantly. You think so differently about everything. Sure, you can go out and be "normal" once in a while, but when you go home at night, you want to see your kid, you want to hold them and kiss them goodnight. For me, that's how it goes. When I go to the park with Carson, I want to go down the slide with him and chase him around. I want to be engaged in his life and everything he is doing. I'm proud of that.

I saw a good quote last night before bed floating around Facebook that made me realize I can't over think things too much when it comes to what I see other parents doing or other kids doing. It's not to say that I shouldn't care or shouldn't have opinions about things, but I need to bring it home and realize that I do have a good kid and we are good parents :)

Don't Let Yourself Become So Concerned

With Raising a Good Kid

That You Forget

You already Have ONE