Carson came down with a fever over the weekend and was really cuddly and tired. He actually asked to go to bed. Very strange request! I can't even count on one hand the amount of times he's asked to go to bed!! I didn't feel like I was missing out on the gym the next morning when I stayed home in bed with my little boy. Maybe a year ago I would have been more resentful that I was "stuck at home", but I have begun to shift my perspective on time.
Time does not stop. Time keeps ticking away each day. We do NOT get another chance to do anything twice. We have today, we have now. Most of us know this, it's very logical, but I'm pretty sure most of us think with our emotions more than our logic.
Over the last 18 months, I have made many personal discoveries about myself. Things I want to change and improve. I'm learning that it takes a lot of practice to really master a skill and to change an old way of thinking. For example, when things are out of my control. Carson or Harrison are sick and I suddenly am "trapped" in the house, my plans are changed, I can't go to the gym, I can't socialize or get anything done. The thing is, that shit just doesn't matter. What matters is that my boys NEED me for those hours or days. It's not a burden. It's a gift, an honour and an opportunity to just STOP and really strengthen my bond with them.
I've started to look at sick days this way and it's taken until TODAY for me to really enjoy it. I still carved out some yoga yesterday, but I almost felt like I didn't need to escape. I wanted to be home. I genuinely wanted to care for him. We all still need our own personal time to continue to grow and nurture ourselves. When we make time to do this, we can love and care for others from a more genuine place.
I'm realizing that some of the days I am experiencing now are demanding on all fronts, but that they are so extremely precious and I will miss them so so much. I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to stress out about feeling like I failed at having a perfect meal plan this week because I couldn't make it to the 3 stores I needed to hit to buy all the ingredients... will it matter in 5, 10 or 20 years? Nope! That's a question I'm asking myself about many things lately. Try it! It might help you also change your mind about what is and isn't important to you.
As much as I am happy about my new positive shift in how I react to changes I cannot control, I will say that I still struggle. I sometimes still react to something with old habits and have to scramble to save myself from reverting back into a more negative person. It's taking a lot of practice, patience and also forgiving myself for when I do mess up.
It's ok to mess up. I probably do something "wrong" every day. It's what you learn from those moments and how you tackle it the next time that counts. It's even just ADMITTING that there is something you want to change. It takes courage, vulnerability and time to mold yourself into being your true self. Peeling back all the layers that you have built up your entire life and shedding the light on who you truly are isn't easy. It's work, but it's an investment in yourself and it's freedom in being uniquely yourself.
What I am asking myself to do is be the best Mother I can be, but I can't do that without working on my own inner struggles. As I sort them out, I'm seeing huge differences in how I parent.
I end my day today feeling grateful for the extra cuddles and time I have spent with Carson over the last 3 days. We have napped together, read stories, watched shows and talked a lot. It's time that's simple, but has so much meaning to each of us. I will miss him when he goes to school again tomorrow, but hold on to the moments we have shared together.
March 1, 2016
November 6, 2015
JK Struggles: Follow Up
My previous post was all about Carson not wanting to go to school. At the time, I didn't know what the real reason was. I did some digging and had several conversations with Carson around bedtime. Eventually, he told me that some boys were bothering him at recess. He told me that one boy was punching him in the stomach and another was hitting him on his back. He said he ran away really fast to get a teacher. My heart broke. The reason he didn't want to go to school was because he was feeling bullied!
There was also another more innocent incident which he talked to me about. He plays with lots of boys at recess and they play a "chase superhero game". He said that he didn't like always being the villain. I talked to him about that too and told him that he needed to talk to the other boys and ask them to stop calling him that. I understand that maybe he felt "ganged up on", even though it was just a game and possibly not being said in a malicious way.
The next day, after talking to him about expressing his feelings and setting boundaries, Carson told the boys to stop calling him the villain. That was that. He was fine about going to school. No issues again until the punching and hitting incident.
My biggest issue was that I didn't know about it at first. Carson told me the morning of school and was very upset and didn't want to go. I had no idea why until it came out. Why didn't the teachers think I should know that my son was being punched and hit at recess? Obviously this would create some anxiety around wanting to go to school. This whole environment is so new to Carson. He did attend preschool last year 2 days a week and it was 2 1/2 hours. Preschool was so much different that 5 FULL days a week. It's a lot for his age, in my opinion. It's also new to me in that I've lost control of knowing what he's up every day. I am not expecting to get a full report on every single thing he did, including bathroom trips, but when something physical happens to my child, I would like to know. I always ask Carson about school and make time to connect with him each night, but he didn't tell me about the incident until 8am when we were getting ready for school the day after it happened. That was really surprising to me. I did speak with the teacher to tell her I'd like a heads up next time.
All of these new situations and feelings are good for him to experience.I want to equip him with the tools to deal with them himself. I have no desire to keep him home and shelter him from being hurt. It's part of life. He needs to learn how to deal with the issues himself. Avoiding them would not help him. Even when it hurts my heart more than I expected, it's what parenthood is about. Our job is to provide our children with values and then we need to send them out into the world and help to guide them through the ups and downs that life throws at them. Sometimes our job as parents means we miss out on the fun stuff and have to do the hard work. I truly have felt some bitterness over this fact over the last 2-3 months, but I know that I am his parent and part of that responsibility isn't about making sure he's happy 24/7. If he hates me most days, it must mean I'm doing something right! {Evil Laugh}
Personally, I was bullied a lot as a young kid. From elementary school until the end of high school. It made me upset and emotional to see him so upset and hurt. I know too well the feeling of being bullied. Of course I want to go punch the other boys in the head and protect my baby from them, but that is not going to be the appropriate method of handling anything!!!
I'm learning so much more about Carson now that he's in school. He can be sensitive at times (just like me!!) and he is now learning how to handle those feelings. He also doesn't do very well with sudden changes. For example, if his regular teacher isn't in the school yard in the mornings, he cries and doesn't want to go to school. I've had to talk him through it and eventually he goes, but it's challenging. However, instead of letting him stay home from school when he says he doesn't want to go, I push him to be brave and adapt to someone new or different. I try to be patient and calm, but it's very stressful at times and for those reading this who know me well, patience doesn't come naturally to me. Thankfully, there are way too many other parents around for me to loose my cool and freak out. It's a good way for me to practice my calm side, because it DOES exist if I try hard enough.
I know that this is a very minor incident and it hasn't happened again, but it was a great learning lesson for all of us. I'm so glad that I was able to talk with Carson and empathize with him, but also see him stand up for himself and be confident. Taking charge of the situation. I want him to get back up when he gets pushed down. He's going to encounter these issues as he grows up and walks through life. It's so important that I've been able to establish good communication with him and that he will come to me when he has an issue. It does have to be on his terms, but when he does talk, I can help him.
I had no idea the JK would be bringing up such tough topics such as bullying. It's been a very emotional and overwhelming couple of months here for us, but we're getting through this together,getting stronger and more united as a family.
There was also another more innocent incident which he talked to me about. He plays with lots of boys at recess and they play a "chase superhero game". He said that he didn't like always being the villain. I talked to him about that too and told him that he needed to talk to the other boys and ask them to stop calling him that. I understand that maybe he felt "ganged up on", even though it was just a game and possibly not being said in a malicious way.
The next day, after talking to him about expressing his feelings and setting boundaries, Carson told the boys to stop calling him the villain. That was that. He was fine about going to school. No issues again until the punching and hitting incident.
My biggest issue was that I didn't know about it at first. Carson told me the morning of school and was very upset and didn't want to go. I had no idea why until it came out. Why didn't the teachers think I should know that my son was being punched and hit at recess? Obviously this would create some anxiety around wanting to go to school. This whole environment is so new to Carson. He did attend preschool last year 2 days a week and it was 2 1/2 hours. Preschool was so much different that 5 FULL days a week. It's a lot for his age, in my opinion. It's also new to me in that I've lost control of knowing what he's up every day. I am not expecting to get a full report on every single thing he did, including bathroom trips, but when something physical happens to my child, I would like to know. I always ask Carson about school and make time to connect with him each night, but he didn't tell me about the incident until 8am when we were getting ready for school the day after it happened. That was really surprising to me. I did speak with the teacher to tell her I'd like a heads up next time.
All of these new situations and feelings are good for him to experience.I want to equip him with the tools to deal with them himself. I have no desire to keep him home and shelter him from being hurt. It's part of life. He needs to learn how to deal with the issues himself. Avoiding them would not help him. Even when it hurts my heart more than I expected, it's what parenthood is about. Our job is to provide our children with values and then we need to send them out into the world and help to guide them through the ups and downs that life throws at them. Sometimes our job as parents means we miss out on the fun stuff and have to do the hard work. I truly have felt some bitterness over this fact over the last 2-3 months, but I know that I am his parent and part of that responsibility isn't about making sure he's happy 24/7. If he hates me most days, it must mean I'm doing something right! {Evil Laugh}
Personally, I was bullied a lot as a young kid. From elementary school until the end of high school. It made me upset and emotional to see him so upset and hurt. I know too well the feeling of being bullied. Of course I want to go punch the other boys in the head and protect my baby from them, but that is not going to be the appropriate method of handling anything!!!
I'm learning so much more about Carson now that he's in school. He can be sensitive at times (just like me!!) and he is now learning how to handle those feelings. He also doesn't do very well with sudden changes. For example, if his regular teacher isn't in the school yard in the mornings, he cries and doesn't want to go to school. I've had to talk him through it and eventually he goes, but it's challenging. However, instead of letting him stay home from school when he says he doesn't want to go, I push him to be brave and adapt to someone new or different. I try to be patient and calm, but it's very stressful at times and for those reading this who know me well, patience doesn't come naturally to me. Thankfully, there are way too many other parents around for me to loose my cool and freak out. It's a good way for me to practice my calm side, because it DOES exist if I try hard enough.
I know that this is a very minor incident and it hasn't happened again, but it was a great learning lesson for all of us. I'm so glad that I was able to talk with Carson and empathize with him, but also see him stand up for himself and be confident. Taking charge of the situation. I want him to get back up when he gets pushed down. He's going to encounter these issues as he grows up and walks through life. It's so important that I've been able to establish good communication with him and that he will come to me when he has an issue. It does have to be on his terms, but when he does talk, I can help him.
I had no idea the JK would be bringing up such tough topics such as bullying. It's been a very emotional and overwhelming couple of months here for us, but we're getting through this together,getting stronger and more united as a family.
October 16, 2015
Full Day Junior Kindergarten Check In
September 10th was Carson's first full day of JK. He did so well that day! I was nervous, but excited for him to start this new adventure of his life. I knew he was ready. He's super social and did very well in preschool. He looked cute and had a perfectly packed lunch. I was going to miss him, but I had no idea how much.
I didn't know this transition would be as long as it has been. People tell you things before your kid goes to school for the first time, but it's hard to imagine it all or even believe it all. How could it really take 3 months for Carson to adjust? No way!
One hard thing for me is not really knowing what he's doing all day. Loss of complete control over who he plays with and talks to. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but he's only 4, so I like to know what he's up to.
The biggest change is how tired he is. He still comes home and wants to watch a show. For a while he asked me to leave him alone because he needs his own time. That was hard for me. I have struggled with the fact that I don't even really see my own kid anymore. The mornings are just rushing around packing his lunch and getting him to school (I'm so fortunate and get to walk to drop him off and pick him up with his little brother), on weekends, Carson is glued to his Daddy who plays with him almost whenever he wants. He also starts at 815, so it's pretty early. When he comes home he's a zombie and like I said, wants to be left alone. He goes to bed quite early too and has very low energy. I know this is all "normal", but I just miss him.
I worked part-time when he was 11 months and then I've been off with him since April 2014 full time. It's hard to let go of him now. All the days we had together that I perhaps didn't realize were as precious as they seem now. It just feels like I'm missing a part of myself. I remember when Carson was 2 and thinking that it would be nice to have a break when he's in school, but it's not what I thought it would be. I know there are so many positive things about school, I'll get to those, but I wanted to just explain how this has affected me as his Mama.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a decline in his appetite and his bottom lip was red and chapped from biting it. I also noticed he started to bite his nails. All of these things are new. He's also been putting his hands in his mouth more often. These were all signs of anxiety to me. His face looked tired too. He for sure has lost some weight. So, I booked a meeting with his teacher to talk to her about my concerns.
His teacher was surprised I booked a meeting with her because he has such great days with her. She began to fill me in on how he's been doing in the classroom. I heard many positive things. I heard that he is kind to others, that he has empathy towards others and wants to make them feel better if they are hurt or crying, I heard he is eager and excited to learn new things and encourages other kids to do the same. Wow. So, he's doing fine? Really? That's it? I guess part of me almost felt jealous of the teacher for being able to see so many things I didn't know about or have anything to do with. She gets to spend all this fun time with him while I was feeling like I just see a grumpy kid most nights. It was very relieving to gain some insight into his routine and his behaviour at school. I've always felt very comfortable sending him to school. His teachers are seriously amazing and I am very grateful for how they care for Carson.
So why then, six weeks later, after all this good stuff, did Carson not want to go to school today? Why did he cry and cling onto me? On picture day? Did something happen? Was someone mean to him? Why did my heart break as I walked home? Why do I still cry and miss him more than ever? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?
I know for a fact that Carson is tired. He had swimming lessons last night and that's a busy night too. He was up at 6am this morning too. It's just a lot. He's only 4 years old. Even for a busy boy like him, this has been tougher than I expected.
So, what should I do about my feelings? I have some ideas and would love to hear any other suggestions.
1) I'm going to make darn sure that I soak up ever single ounce of Harrison's next 3 years home with me. I shouldn't say I didn't do that with Carson, but now that he's in school, I just see how fast it all really does go and how all of a sudden, your baby isn't a baby anymore... so, so FAST!
2) I'm going to scheudle MOMMY & CARSON ONLY time every single weekend. Even an hour. I just miss simple things. Even going to Costco with him. I miss listening to him talk and his sound effects when he hangs onto the cart. He's my little helper.
3) I'm going to keep him home on days I know he's tired. Maybe only 1-2 times per month, but I'm going to give him some rest and some time at home in his pj's with some movies. He needs that. He has an entire year next year to get ready for grade 1. He doesn't need to be pushed so much this year, if he needs a break.
4) I'm going to stop making myself feel guilty for sending him to school. He's supposed to be spreading his wings right now and from what I heard from the teacher, we've been doing a good job so far establishing some good roots.
I hope that this helps some other first time Mama's going through the transition to full day kindergarten.
xo
marie
I didn't know this transition would be as long as it has been. People tell you things before your kid goes to school for the first time, but it's hard to imagine it all or even believe it all. How could it really take 3 months for Carson to adjust? No way!
One hard thing for me is not really knowing what he's doing all day. Loss of complete control over who he plays with and talks to. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but he's only 4, so I like to know what he's up to.
The biggest change is how tired he is. He still comes home and wants to watch a show. For a while he asked me to leave him alone because he needs his own time. That was hard for me. I have struggled with the fact that I don't even really see my own kid anymore. The mornings are just rushing around packing his lunch and getting him to school (I'm so fortunate and get to walk to drop him off and pick him up with his little brother), on weekends, Carson is glued to his Daddy who plays with him almost whenever he wants. He also starts at 815, so it's pretty early. When he comes home he's a zombie and like I said, wants to be left alone. He goes to bed quite early too and has very low energy. I know this is all "normal", but I just miss him.
Carson's treats for his "sweet spot" in his lunch box :)
I worked part-time when he was 11 months and then I've been off with him since April 2014 full time. It's hard to let go of him now. All the days we had together that I perhaps didn't realize were as precious as they seem now. It just feels like I'm missing a part of myself. I remember when Carson was 2 and thinking that it would be nice to have a break when he's in school, but it's not what I thought it would be. I know there are so many positive things about school, I'll get to those, but I wanted to just explain how this has affected me as his Mama.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a decline in his appetite and his bottom lip was red and chapped from biting it. I also noticed he started to bite his nails. All of these things are new. He's also been putting his hands in his mouth more often. These were all signs of anxiety to me. His face looked tired too. He for sure has lost some weight. So, I booked a meeting with his teacher to talk to her about my concerns.
His teacher was surprised I booked a meeting with her because he has such great days with her. She began to fill me in on how he's been doing in the classroom. I heard many positive things. I heard that he is kind to others, that he has empathy towards others and wants to make them feel better if they are hurt or crying, I heard he is eager and excited to learn new things and encourages other kids to do the same. Wow. So, he's doing fine? Really? That's it? I guess part of me almost felt jealous of the teacher for being able to see so many things I didn't know about or have anything to do with. She gets to spend all this fun time with him while I was feeling like I just see a grumpy kid most nights. It was very relieving to gain some insight into his routine and his behaviour at school. I've always felt very comfortable sending him to school. His teachers are seriously amazing and I am very grateful for how they care for Carson.
So why then, six weeks later, after all this good stuff, did Carson not want to go to school today? Why did he cry and cling onto me? On picture day? Did something happen? Was someone mean to him? Why did my heart break as I walked home? Why do I still cry and miss him more than ever? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?
I know for a fact that Carson is tired. He had swimming lessons last night and that's a busy night too. He was up at 6am this morning too. It's just a lot. He's only 4 years old. Even for a busy boy like him, this has been tougher than I expected.
So, what should I do about my feelings? I have some ideas and would love to hear any other suggestions.
1) I'm going to make darn sure that I soak up ever single ounce of Harrison's next 3 years home with me. I shouldn't say I didn't do that with Carson, but now that he's in school, I just see how fast it all really does go and how all of a sudden, your baby isn't a baby anymore... so, so FAST!
2) I'm going to scheudle MOMMY & CARSON ONLY time every single weekend. Even an hour. I just miss simple things. Even going to Costco with him. I miss listening to him talk and his sound effects when he hangs onto the cart. He's my little helper.
3) I'm going to keep him home on days I know he's tired. Maybe only 1-2 times per month, but I'm going to give him some rest and some time at home in his pj's with some movies. He needs that. He has an entire year next year to get ready for grade 1. He doesn't need to be pushed so much this year, if he needs a break.
4) I'm going to stop making myself feel guilty for sending him to school. He's supposed to be spreading his wings right now and from what I heard from the teacher, we've been doing a good job so far establishing some good roots.
I hope that this helps some other first time Mama's going through the transition to full day kindergarten.
xo
marie
June 22, 2015
Handprints
Leading up to Harrison's first birthday I became quite emotional. I can't help but be unsure if he is my last baby. Is this my last time celebrating a first birthday? Is this the last time feeding him? When he started crawling, he just changed. He went from baby to not so baby anymore. I've been thinking (maybe a little too much) of getting old and all these days being behind me. I've been thinking that I'll miss these days terribly one day. I wonder if my boys will move away from me. If they will still let me kiss them on their cheeks or squeeze their little chubby legs. I guess they won't have little chubby legs...
What I'm realizing is that time doesn't slow down for anyone or anything. I will never ever ever get a single one of my days back. So if I don't savour these moments now, they will be gone forever. I won't get to kiss another smooth baby cheek or squeeze their little legs again. Carson's aren't so chubby anymore. Already.
Not only was it Harrison's first birthday, Carson's 4th is just around the corner. 4!!!! He's going to kindergarten. His last day of preschool has come and gone. I'm going to miss taking him there. He made so many friends and learned so much. Both my babies are growing and changing so fast!
I'm soaking it all up and truly enjoying my moments with them. I'm letting go a bit more of cleaning and taking them to the park instead. Harrison learned to climb stairs a couple days ago. If I was in my kitchen slaving away, we wouldn't have been there for him to learn and practice.
Every single day there are handprints all over my dark hardwood floors, oven and stainless steel fridge. My white cupboards have dirt on them and there are toys scattered all over my main floor. I used to wipe them off all the time and care so much about cleaning. I've started to just leave them knowing that soon enough, Harrison will just be walking and not crawling around or standing up on the cupboards or oven. He won't be so messy with his food. I'll miss those handprints one day.
Life is so wonderful. Being able to really embrace the moment is what I'm doing. I'm really trying to be present for my boys and spend quality time. So many changes are happening with each of them and I don't want to forget a thing. I just want my boys to know how much they've really added to my life and that I cherish them more than anything. My family makes me so full. Nothing I've ever purchased has given me joy the way my family does. I'm so grateful.
March 3, 2015
Acceptance
I still remember when we first had Carson after the initial "parent high" wore off I thought:"What did we do?". Our life had dramatically changed in just 11 hours. We became parents.
I remember always thinking "I want things to be like they were. When are things going to be normal again?". It took me some time and I struggled through many emotions before realizing a simple truth-- nothing was ever going to be the way it was before. We can't go back to the days where we could sleep in and do whatever we wanted. We would not just have free time to just waste sitting at Chapters sipping on $10 Starbucks coffee. Leaving the house was an event, not just a last minute decision anymore.
Stress. Stress. Stress. Adjusting to a new baby was stressful. That took a huge toll on us as a couple as well. The constant competition of "who has it harder". Working full time or being at home with a crying baby stuck to your boobs almost all day and night!
Once I learned to accept my life the way it was and stopped trying to "make things the way they were", everything shifted. I was happier. I was free. I was able to be more present. I let go of control.
Now, almost 3 1/2 years since becoming a Mother for the first time, I'm still learning acceptance, but this time it's not about being a parent, it's about my body.
Post-baby body is one thing that people kind of joke about. You get the comments when you're pregnant the first time. Things such as: "It's like an apron." I don't think any women who hasn't had a baby gets that until she sees it for the first time. Horrific. Or "You're eating for two! The weight will just melt right off if you're breastfeeding!" EFFF YOU! Not true for me. I shouldn't have eaten so much (the first time!).
The reality for me (not every woman is the same) is that it takes time. A lot of time. Especially while breastfeeding and not really sleeping. Loosing weight without sleeping more than 3 hours in a row is pretty hard for your body. Same thing with all the crazy hormones that breastfeeding comes with. Super fun.
Thankfully with my second I gained 20 less pounds than with my first, so I'm well ahead of the game at the moment. It still doesn't mean that I love the body I'm in.
I've been trying very hard to love myself and accept who I am right now in this moment. I've been trying to say I don't care about the loose skin and the fact I can't wear any of my pre-baby clothes. I've been trying really hard to find inner peace within myself. I've been trying to look in the mirror and see the beauty and not the ugly. The thing is, I've been lying to myself. A lot.
I don't like my body. I never will until I get back to where I was. I won't be happy until my boobs are back to being A cups and not E cups. I know this body is temporary. I'm actively trying to change it, but at the exact same time, I'm trying to LOVE it. How can one do this? It feels like I'm fighting with myself.
How can I accept my body for what it is now when I'm also trying to make it into something else? It's an impossible task.
One Mama friend gave me some advice one day and it made so much sense, we need to let it go and know that we're working toward it every day. We're making the right choices to reach our goal. I'm keeping that in the back of my mind every week.
My main motivation is my boys. Both of them. I created them with this body, I'm now nourishing one of them each day with my body. That is enough. That has to be enough. I don't want to miss these days focused on vanity. Yes, I'm always going to thrive to get my body back, but it will come back, just like it did after Carson. I'm healthy, I have a beautiful life. I have it all. Who cares about 15 pounds.
I accept myself as I am in this moment in time.
I remember always thinking "I want things to be like they were. When are things going to be normal again?". It took me some time and I struggled through many emotions before realizing a simple truth-- nothing was ever going to be the way it was before. We can't go back to the days where we could sleep in and do whatever we wanted. We would not just have free time to just waste sitting at Chapters sipping on $10 Starbucks coffee. Leaving the house was an event, not just a last minute decision anymore.
Stress. Stress. Stress. Adjusting to a new baby was stressful. That took a huge toll on us as a couple as well. The constant competition of "who has it harder". Working full time or being at home with a crying baby stuck to your boobs almost all day and night!
Once I learned to accept my life the way it was and stopped trying to "make things the way they were", everything shifted. I was happier. I was free. I was able to be more present. I let go of control.
Now, almost 3 1/2 years since becoming a Mother for the first time, I'm still learning acceptance, but this time it's not about being a parent, it's about my body.
Post-baby body is one thing that people kind of joke about. You get the comments when you're pregnant the first time. Things such as: "It's like an apron." I don't think any women who hasn't had a baby gets that until she sees it for the first time. Horrific. Or "You're eating for two! The weight will just melt right off if you're breastfeeding!" EFFF YOU! Not true for me. I shouldn't have eaten so much (the first time!).
The reality for me (not every woman is the same) is that it takes time. A lot of time. Especially while breastfeeding and not really sleeping. Loosing weight without sleeping more than 3 hours in a row is pretty hard for your body. Same thing with all the crazy hormones that breastfeeding comes with. Super fun.
Thankfully with my second I gained 20 less pounds than with my first, so I'm well ahead of the game at the moment. It still doesn't mean that I love the body I'm in.
I've been trying very hard to love myself and accept who I am right now in this moment. I've been trying to say I don't care about the loose skin and the fact I can't wear any of my pre-baby clothes. I've been trying really hard to find inner peace within myself. I've been trying to look in the mirror and see the beauty and not the ugly. The thing is, I've been lying to myself. A lot.
I don't like my body. I never will until I get back to where I was. I won't be happy until my boobs are back to being A cups and not E cups. I know this body is temporary. I'm actively trying to change it, but at the exact same time, I'm trying to LOVE it. How can one do this? It feels like I'm fighting with myself.
How can I accept my body for what it is now when I'm also trying to make it into something else? It's an impossible task.
One Mama friend gave me some advice one day and it made so much sense, we need to let it go and know that we're working toward it every day. We're making the right choices to reach our goal. I'm keeping that in the back of my mind every week.
My main motivation is my boys. Both of them. I created them with this body, I'm now nourishing one of them each day with my body. That is enough. That has to be enough. I don't want to miss these days focused on vanity. Yes, I'm always going to thrive to get my body back, but it will come back, just like it did after Carson. I'm healthy, I have a beautiful life. I have it all. Who cares about 15 pounds.
I accept myself as I am in this moment in time.
September 29, 2014
"That Mom"
I have a confession, I'm becoming "that Mom". I've either been out on my own at night when the kids are asleep or out during the day with them both and been caught looking a little frumpy.
Before embarking on my journey as a Mother I always said:"I'm never going to look like that Mom. I'm going to keep up with myself."
Well my friends, the day has come, I've done it, I've started to just not care as much what people think. I can be seen periodically looking like "that Mom".
Let's talk about what "that Mom" means. It's the Mom who didn't shower because she was too busy feeding her baby and fighting with her 3 year old to get dressed. Knowing she only had 2 hours before the next feeding or nap for the baby, she had to just go out without a shower or else she'd just use the entire time showering and then have to breastfeed again and never leave the house.
The Mom that didn't brush her hair. For me, my hair is falling out big time at the moment. Handfuls upon handfuls are just all over the house, the shower, the sink, the bathroom, my clothes, probably in our food. It's crazy. Postpartum hair loss is another one of those things no one really tells you about. So yes, my hair is half gone now so it doesn't look great down or up. I just have to live with it. She also probably didn't brush it because she could hear her 3 year old being way too quiet in the bathroom, walked in and discovered 2 empty tubes of toothpaste! Seriously.. kids are nuts. That's what I get for asking him to brush his own teeth. I later found out that they weren't full, but still... that can't be good for him. At least I buy the fluoride free stuff.
The Mom who is wearing yoga pants--all the time. So ya, I wear my only 2 pairs of pants that I can fit in most of the time. They're stretchy enough to make me comfy and tight enough to hold in the mummy tummy. I'm sure 85% of women who just had a baby don't want to put on pants with buttons and zippers. Hello muffin top! No thanks. I just don't feel like spending money on clothes to fit this body because I don't plan on it sticking around for long. However, I just need to be comfortable enough to keep up to a busy toddler and lug around a 50 pound car seat at the same time. Bum wiping, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, cooking too, it's all hard work, equally as hard or harder than a workout some days, so why can't I wear workout clothes?
The Mom who isn't even wearing make-up. That's right, if I don't have time to shower, how would I have time to wear make-up? The thing is, I probably should be making the time to wear some because my eyes are just so tired looking these days. I actually have dark circles now. Lack of sleep does some crazy stuff. Sometimes I think it might be leftover mascara from another day, so I try to use more make-up remover and nothing changes. Darn.
The Mom who has puke on her shirt. Yep. Me. I showed up to nursery school pick-up the other week with fresh puke on my shirt. I just wiped it off with my hand/sleeve and ran out the door. I was already cutting it close on time and didn't want to be late. Of course I changed the baby's clothes. Most people pay more attention to him anyway.. thankfully! haha!
The thing I realized about all of this, which had me laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks and I think my husband was starting to think I was going crazy, because I was SO tired one evening was, I just don't even care.
I don't care. People can judge, just as I did prior to kids, but now that I'm deep into it all, I know that my appearance on these days is a reflection of me being a great Mom, a Mom who is putting my kids first before myself, a Mom who rolls around on the basement carpet with my son and isn't afraid to be silly, a Mom who kisses my baby so much my lips hurt, a Mom who is passionate about being a Mom. That is all that matters. I'm doing a good job and doing my best to take care of my family. My hair will grow back, my belly will shrink and I will eventually find more time to pamper myself, but right now, I just want to focus on my kids and make sure they are a priority too.
I should note that I do take time for myself to stay healthy. I have a great supportive husband that almost forces me to go to hot yoga or the gym to find my own balance. I know I need that to continue to be a great Mom, I'm just talking more about the vanity side. I don't look at other Mom's the same way I used to anymore. I see now how easy it can be to get caught up in the days and weeks and months. It's hard to fit it all in and look perfect while doing it all. I also see how much of an achievement it really is to put on make-up and shower before leaving the house with 2 small kids. It's hard!
Today my 3 year old son told me: " Your hair is beautiful Mommy." That made my day. He has loved me at 198 pounds, at 138 pounds and many other numbers in between. I am still me. My kids don't need me to wear fancy clothes and make-up. They need me to be their Mom. I'm not saying I don't care what I look like and am just letting myself go. I'm just putting it all into perspective. Instead of worrying about applying make-up before leaving the house, I read books, sing songs, make healthy breakfast together or play imaginative games with my kids. Those are the things that really matter, not what I look like.
I'm proud to be "that Mom"... even the one who forgot to shave her legs! ooops!
 |
| No shower. No make up. Caught! |
Before embarking on my journey as a Mother I always said:"I'm never going to look like that Mom. I'm going to keep up with myself."
Well my friends, the day has come, I've done it, I've started to just not care as much what people think. I can be seen periodically looking like "that Mom".
Let's talk about what "that Mom" means. It's the Mom who didn't shower because she was too busy feeding her baby and fighting with her 3 year old to get dressed. Knowing she only had 2 hours before the next feeding or nap for the baby, she had to just go out without a shower or else she'd just use the entire time showering and then have to breastfeed again and never leave the house.
The Mom that didn't brush her hair. For me, my hair is falling out big time at the moment. Handfuls upon handfuls are just all over the house, the shower, the sink, the bathroom, my clothes, probably in our food. It's crazy. Postpartum hair loss is another one of those things no one really tells you about. So yes, my hair is half gone now so it doesn't look great down or up. I just have to live with it. She also probably didn't brush it because she could hear her 3 year old being way too quiet in the bathroom, walked in and discovered 2 empty tubes of toothpaste! Seriously.. kids are nuts. That's what I get for asking him to brush his own teeth. I later found out that they weren't full, but still... that can't be good for him. At least I buy the fluoride free stuff.
The Mom who is wearing yoga pants--all the time. So ya, I wear my only 2 pairs of pants that I can fit in most of the time. They're stretchy enough to make me comfy and tight enough to hold in the mummy tummy. I'm sure 85% of women who just had a baby don't want to put on pants with buttons and zippers. Hello muffin top! No thanks. I just don't feel like spending money on clothes to fit this body because I don't plan on it sticking around for long. However, I just need to be comfortable enough to keep up to a busy toddler and lug around a 50 pound car seat at the same time. Bum wiping, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, cooking too, it's all hard work, equally as hard or harder than a workout some days, so why can't I wear workout clothes?
The Mom who isn't even wearing make-up. That's right, if I don't have time to shower, how would I have time to wear make-up? The thing is, I probably should be making the time to wear some because my eyes are just so tired looking these days. I actually have dark circles now. Lack of sleep does some crazy stuff. Sometimes I think it might be leftover mascara from another day, so I try to use more make-up remover and nothing changes. Darn.
The Mom who has puke on her shirt. Yep. Me. I showed up to nursery school pick-up the other week with fresh puke on my shirt. I just wiped it off with my hand/sleeve and ran out the door. I was already cutting it close on time and didn't want to be late. Of course I changed the baby's clothes. Most people pay more attention to him anyway.. thankfully! haha!
The thing I realized about all of this, which had me laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks and I think my husband was starting to think I was going crazy, because I was SO tired one evening was, I just don't even care.
I don't care. People can judge, just as I did prior to kids, but now that I'm deep into it all, I know that my appearance on these days is a reflection of me being a great Mom, a Mom who is putting my kids first before myself, a Mom who rolls around on the basement carpet with my son and isn't afraid to be silly, a Mom who kisses my baby so much my lips hurt, a Mom who is passionate about being a Mom. That is all that matters. I'm doing a good job and doing my best to take care of my family. My hair will grow back, my belly will shrink and I will eventually find more time to pamper myself, but right now, I just want to focus on my kids and make sure they are a priority too.
I should note that I do take time for myself to stay healthy. I have a great supportive husband that almost forces me to go to hot yoga or the gym to find my own balance. I know I need that to continue to be a great Mom, I'm just talking more about the vanity side. I don't look at other Mom's the same way I used to anymore. I see now how easy it can be to get caught up in the days and weeks and months. It's hard to fit it all in and look perfect while doing it all. I also see how much of an achievement it really is to put on make-up and shower before leaving the house with 2 small kids. It's hard!
 |
| My boys! |
Today my 3 year old son told me: " Your hair is beautiful Mommy." That made my day. He has loved me at 198 pounds, at 138 pounds and many other numbers in between. I am still me. My kids don't need me to wear fancy clothes and make-up. They need me to be their Mom. I'm not saying I don't care what I look like and am just letting myself go. I'm just putting it all into perspective. Instead of worrying about applying make-up before leaving the house, I read books, sing songs, make healthy breakfast together or play imaginative games with my kids. Those are the things that really matter, not what I look like.
I'm proud to be "that Mom"... even the one who forgot to shave her legs! ooops!
September 9, 2014
Baby H and his Red Face
When Harrison was born he had the cutest softest cheeks ever. Then at about 6 or 7 weeks he developed baby acne. This then turned into red dry patches on his skin. Almost like eczema. At Harrison's 8 week appointment at the doctor, she said to use mineral oil and as long as it wasn't bothering him, it's probably nothing.
Of course, the typical Mother that I am, I first think it's something I must be eating. Blaming myself and thinking maybe I should stop eating dairy or maybe it's wheat (which I barley eat anyway, but still could be causing an issue right?). The doctor said not to change anything, it wasn't my fault. Good, I wasn't causing it. Now I need to figure out how to fix it. The mission began...
I tried the mineral oil out and it was so oily. I also learned that it was a by product of petroleum, yes, gas. Just as bad as Vaseline. I didn't feel good putting that on my tiny baby's head. I tried using coconut oil as well and it was also too greasy.It didn't seem to be doing anything either.
So, why not try nipple cream? Why not right? I didn't use much this time around anyway. Breastfeeding baby number 2 proved much easier... so, I had some from Belly Laughs made my the Matter Company.
I used the nipple cream 4 times a day and it seemed to keep his face from getting worse and started to clear it up. It was still a bit greasy and I wasn't noticing any huge improvements. So I came across a local skincare line called Eco Chic Movement made here in Ottawa. I used the Baby Face Cream and within just 2 application under 24 hours, his face was 90% clear. I was overjoyed! After weeks of trying to battle the skin issue, it was finally over. A couple more days of using the cream and Harrison's face is as soft as ever. The cream is great and I feel good using it on him. There isn't a harsh fragrance and it soaks into his skin leaving it looking great and feeling soft.
I'm looking forward to trying more products soon. The prices are also economical. Considering the money I spent of oils and other creams, I could have bought 5 jars of the Baby Face Cream!! Now you know :) Cheers to soft baby cheeks!
Of course, the typical Mother that I am, I first think it's something I must be eating. Blaming myself and thinking maybe I should stop eating dairy or maybe it's wheat (which I barley eat anyway, but still could be causing an issue right?). The doctor said not to change anything, it wasn't my fault. Good, I wasn't causing it. Now I need to figure out how to fix it. The mission began...
I tried the mineral oil out and it was so oily. I also learned that it was a by product of petroleum, yes, gas. Just as bad as Vaseline. I didn't feel good putting that on my tiny baby's head. I tried using coconut oil as well and it was also too greasy.It didn't seem to be doing anything either.
So, why not try nipple cream? Why not right? I didn't use much this time around anyway. Breastfeeding baby number 2 proved much easier... so, I had some from Belly Laughs made my the Matter Company.
I used the nipple cream 4 times a day and it seemed to keep his face from getting worse and started to clear it up. It was still a bit greasy and I wasn't noticing any huge improvements. So I came across a local skincare line called Eco Chic Movement made here in Ottawa. I used the Baby Face Cream and within just 2 application under 24 hours, his face was 90% clear. I was overjoyed! After weeks of trying to battle the skin issue, it was finally over. A couple more days of using the cream and Harrison's face is as soft as ever. The cream is great and I feel good using it on him. There isn't a harsh fragrance and it soaks into his skin leaving it looking great and feeling soft.
I'm looking forward to trying more products soon. The prices are also economical. Considering the money I spent of oils and other creams, I could have bought 5 jars of the Baby Face Cream!! Now you know :) Cheers to soft baby cheeks!
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